The Kittridge Farrell Experience

We'll always have raspberry surprise...

2009-01-07T21:03:00.000-08:00

I feel a bit like a blog-slut. I started out on livejournal and now look at me, I'm all over the place! I've had a lot of fun here on blogger and I like the features but it doesn't have stat tracking and wordpress does. Also, wordpress gets consistently more traffic...so...I guess the time has come to move the whole operation over there. I've already uploaded some new posts that aren't here so you'll get immediate content!

Wordpress won't let me upload videos unless I buy a space upgrade! Wtf? I tried to flirt with the support guy who was emailing me about it but he cut off all communications with me, so until I decide to waste even more of my money, this is the only place on the entire internet that raspberry surprise is available.

Let's make the move together! We can wake up at noon and press words all night long!

http://ocdaily.wordpress.com

Dr. Saigon

2008-12-17T19:50:00.000-08:00

So its over! The course is done and after all that toil comes...well more toil but first I have to win the opportunity to toil in the strange human tradition known as job interviews.

There was an ad in the paper and I called to register my interest and the woman told me with no enthusiasm whatever that I could fax my resume, but of its not 1990 and nobody has a fax machine, so I asked if I could email it but no, there was no email address. Right. When I said I could just drop it off as I live locally, she said I'd get a call back to arrange an interview. She's a bit boring, but perhaps they hired a zombie receptionist, equally opportunities?

A different woman called back with the same flat voice, and I wondered if this lack of life was the result of some virus that ate away the soul. Can you come in on Saturday at 11? I could and she gave me the address. Later she calls back and says that the dentist won't be able to stay after he sees patients on Saturday, would I be able to come in at 7.30? I paused noticeably then said o-k.

Already I don't want the job because they sound like a real bag of smelly gas over there, who needs that?

I got there at 7.30 in the morning but...I was the only one there. The receptionist came at 8 and then we waited together for the dentist who decided to show up at quarter past 8 god bless him. There were a number of degrees on the wall of course but the only one I remember was issued from Saigon University? Huh?! Is that even real?

While we waited for this dentist with dubious qualifications (for a start, we'll discuss the rest of his dubiosity later) I tried to make conversation with her but I felt like an annoyance, she obviously had lots of boringness to do.

So then I gave my resume and we're having an interview. I say interview but he's just basically reading snippets off the resume and then expecting me to say something about it I felt like I was the only one who had ever been to an interview.

"Collecting typewriters" he says first, reading the hobbies section "what does that mean?"
There's only one thing that can possibly mean.
"err...y'know typewriters, I collect them" he just continued staring at the paper. Time passed. "You know...typing machines?"
"oh" he said and I realised that he was the carrier if this virus that infected his receptionists.

I was trying to be charming as is my strategy at interviews but holy hell, this man had no personality at all. Nothing. My attempts to be charming were useless, it was like pouring diamonds into a bin.

He continued to read bits off the resume and I would then elaborate, all the time he just stared at the page. He told me there was so much work there, so much work very busy. I'm so tired, he says. As if I care if he's tired! I don't give two shits if he's on fire!

Much was made of my history as a dental nurse...you're fortunate Internet Reader that
1) you haven't ever been a dental nurse and
2) that I've never told you the story of how I became one because its so boring! Who wants to hear that? If ever there was a book published on the subject, Gabriel would break the seventh seal and destroy the world entire. It was years ago and it doesn't matter.

For the rest of this mockery of an interview he told me how it was very interesting, "very in-teresting" that I was a male dental nurse. I told him matter-of-factly that it's not that unusual and he wanted to know who I worked for and why I did it for so long. Hey, here's something fuckface, I didn't know what I wanted to do, I'm not a robot like you programmed by my parents into becoming a dentist, at least I made a decision and didn't inherit it.

Some time ago in Saigon...
ROBOT VOICE: Affirmative father I will become a dentist please insert text books beep beep beep.

He did not tell me when I'd hear about the job, which fits in with the level of professionalism evident throughout the whole process. I want him to offer it to me so I can reject him, then I'll punch him in the face and ride off into the sunset on a powerful horse, smoke and rainbows billowing from my lungs.

Eat my dust, you cunts! (Part 2)

2008-11-24T21:14:00.000-08:00

So, I've had a few jobs in my time, not careers you understand, just nothing whatever jobs. I would perhaps have been more inclined to take on a career if I'd been working for people who were deserving of respect and not members of the League Of Miscreants.

A list of the people I've worked for/under follows:

Amorphous mass of wanker dentists
Completely psychotic ex-army woman whose management style was: "Yelling."
Elderly Polish man who would become confused mid-sentence, believing himself to be in the time period of the story he was recounting, getting angry all over again as if the story was happening to him.
a full time video store manager full stop.

I say "full time video store manager full stop." because that's all he was, there was literally nothing else you could say about him that didn't involve the words "face" "pig" "retard" "ugly" & "fucking". Perhaps management status is enough for some people but I wouldn't want that to be at the top of my achievements list, strangely he seemed to expect others to be in awe of it, as if being a manager of a video store in a completely irrelevant suburb mattered. I don't have an MBA or anything but being a manager doesn't seem to be about not doing any work and telling everyone else what to do.

"Micromanagement and laziness do not a good environment create."
-Yoda MBA, Master of Jedi Sc.

I quit on Saturday morning and man, it felt good! I've only ever been fired before and its sooo different! I got exactly what I wanted and left a massive hole in their roster! T'aint nobody available to fill that shit! Awoooo! Suck it up you dipshit!

Sure I'm poor but who cares? I'll no longer have to tollerate a fat loser who made my slacker job difficult because he had the hots for me and I was way out of his league.

My bank account: $310.20
My emotional account: $369, 255, 138, 067.19

SUPPLEMENTAL: I came to enjoy the company of my fellow workers at the video store, in particular the delightfully positive Lucy, Guy the animator who like all of us was much better than that place, Pullman, and pretty much everyone but the manager Aaron. If you happen to get served by any of these people, say something memorable or funny - it makes the shift less horrible.

there goes a narwhal....

2008-11-05T03:06:00.000-08:00

after seeing the narwhal, the approach of the famous bikini whale proved too much for these 2 young women. Image: Reuters.

Eat my dust, you cunts! (Part 1)

2008-11-04T08:04:00.000-08:00

Today I handed in my last little fiddly assignments to my lecturers...a few days late but whatever, they got them, they should be happy! As I left the building and clambered into the car, I sped off into a world of glittering freedom screaming "EAT MY DUST YOU CUNTS!"

Ok...not really, I got stuck in traffic but the sentiment remains true.

The last couple of years have actually been fairly horrible, I've never been put to the test quite like this before and the experience is akin to sharing a house with a gigantic black hole, you give and you give and it takes and takes and NEVER does the dishes or buys toilet paper. It's crushing demands on me have caused a lot of stress and I was reduced to clawing for free time and pointless distractions anywhere I could get them, as if I was on my knees, desperately grabbing fistfuls of clay, hoping to find an ancient jewel or the universal truth in the mud. They squish wetly in my hand; its just earth, just filthy, cold slime...containing no more beauty than you'd find on the inside of a pig.

Y'know on reflection, its a fairly strange feeling...a little bit hollow. I was worried on the last day of clinic, that I'd have to go back and repeat a unit here or there, or they'd just plain pull the plug on me and say I never showed up. It was an uneasy feeling because all around me, everyone was chirping and celebrating, having somehow completed all the harrowing tasks set by the course monster. So now that it's very nearly all stitched up, it feels anticlimactic...it didn't so much end with a whimper but a tiny puff of dust. Given the complete domination this course imposed on me, now the set has been taken apart, I find myself without a frame of reference. Jump-cut to me standing in the street, holding a slip of paper that says "thanks".

Maybe I had expected an impressive ending, something to justify the amount of time it had taken from me...and it felt often like the time was taken off me, physically hacked off in thick, gory slabs - chucked onto autopsy scales
"five months, 36 minutes...grab some more off his back"

Well the show's over now, you fuckers, I've got my whole day back and you can suck that up! You cannot kill me with your stifling contact hours, I'm a shimmering fantasy, with depth of character you cannot possibly understand! Hahahaaa! The darkness is slowly retreating and hope swells larger, here I come! Reborn through all the toil: a solemn bird perched high on the tree of satisfaction! Kaw! Kaww! The future tolls! Drowning out the sorrows of the past!

Motion in the ocean....

2008-10-26T03:19:00.000-07:00

Today I went to the beach with Donny and holy hell I almost died in the salty expanse of the indian ocean. We had gone first to mullalloo beach but that whole place is afflicted by the brown scourge (sea weed) and there's nothing quite as gross as swimming in that kind of scene. Who needs raspy buglike dregs floating around attempting to coocoon and take you to their underwater masters? We headed off to scarborough beach so we could enjoy a swim, but it was to prove a bad move...in the groove.

At first scarboroug beach was pretty nice...there were biggish waves and as we waded out I was laughing at the size and force of the waves. Poseidon didn't like this though, and so decided to drown me in his kingdom. As I say, things were fairly innocent at first, wading out and laughing at nature, but soon I was much too far out and the waves were coming without much rest between them. I noticed that the waves were getting bigger and it was harder to get above them as they broke near me, but the shorewise force of the waves was much less than the pull outward to the big blue tomb. I was swimming in towards the sand but not moving anywhere and I was getting really really tired. Wave after wave came in over me and I felt my strength about to give.

It dawned on me that I was going to die here. But that's not right! Keating was my favourite prime minister, not Holt! YOU BASTARDS YOU'VE MADE A HORRIBLE MISTAKE!!! YOU'RE THINKING OF SOMEONE ELSE!!

I couldn't touch the ground. I looked over at Donny, a fair way closer to the beach than I was and I wanted to call out to him for help. In that moment I was completely shot with terror, and that image of looking over at Donny is one I'll remember for a long long time. So I swam and swam and swam and swam as much as I could making little gains until I finally caught a wave and put my foot on sand. I was weak but convinced I'd live to die on land at a later date.

Writing this has made me feel scared all over again, I'm mildly shaken up. Its funny actually because I spend all my time worried about dying from a pathogen or slow disease, there's a whole area out there of trauma and accident I hadn't considered. Looks like I'll be a lot more worried from here on out.

Fuck you, the ocean, learn to deal with people.

An Elephant never forgets...

2008-09-22T03:14:00.000-07:00

to PUT ON HIS GLASSES!

Keyboard Hygiene

2008-09-19T02:51:00.000-07:00

It occurred to me that maybe reading about how I'm horny probably isn't good blogging practice...granted I get horny more interestingly than most but, you deserve better than that, Internet Reader and I have let you down. The post has been deleted and I'll try and rectify things in the coming years as we grow old and horrible together.

Right now, I want to talk about this...Maybe I'm alone here but I feel a connection with my keyboard and I don't know how this guy let his keyboard get so bad. Actually, no I don't think you can "let" it get that bad, you have to actively dirty it. It looks like they pulled it out of a shipwreck, there's probably some barnacles under his dick.

It depends what he's using it for really but I don't think you could get that capslock to engage for love or money. Also, I wouldn't recommend trying to engage the capslock without gloves. We can only hope that this man got that ring out of his foreskin before he died of keyboard contracted Syphilis.

I think this picture, sums up the internet.

BTW, the above picture is not safe for work.

2008 Insincere Smile Competition

2008-09-19T01:03:00.000-07:00

The Old Lady's Fund Raising Committee has asked me to host their promotional video on my blog. I will now do so.

Please vote for your favourite insincere smile in the comments section....why the hell is the comments section of my blog so underused?! This is supposed to be web2.0 guys!

your guide to fashion

2008-09-05T08:59:00.000-07:00

Green is the new orange but yellow is the old red. This means white has become the new green and salmon is the old black. Turquoise surprisingly is still the current turquoise and mauve has shifted into an invisible infrared colour, opting to stay out of the summer market. Puce is alternately the new and the old blue while brown is grey in Europe and dark-grey in Asia.

The old pink was forced to retire after it was reveled that it was actually gold the whole time. Purple was not available for comment at the time of publishing but sources indicate it is moving in a more peach direction after last year's failure as the new off-white.

A FUCK A HEAD PHONE!

2008-09-05T05:13:00.000-07:00

Fig1.1 - Well shit.

So how's this for the start of a week, I cut the cord of my headphones on a door frame(?!?) in a rush to get to a clinic session?(!!!?!??) meaning I had to resort to other methods of destroying my hearing: by abusing recreational ear drops. These were the best headphones I ever had...see, I grew up funny which gave me munted ear holes that don't accommodate standard issue headphones, I sprung the 200 bux for a decent pair last year...shit man, clinic ruins everything good about my life.

Things kind of got better from there, I actually laughed a lot this week thanks mostly to a new thing I started at uni: the Insincere Smile Competition! Photos pending.

On the downside though, urbandictionary refuse to upload my recent definitions - puzzling when you consider the kind of shit they put up there on a daily basis. Look...I'm not angry I'm just sad for you, Internet Reader, you'll never know what a Pepsi Princess is.

And finally I'd like to leave things on a positive note:
Good evening.

Queen wants to know

2008-09-03T06:06:00.000-07:00

diagnosis: BOY FEVER!

2008-08-22T08:24:00.000-07:00

Prognosis: Ssssssssexay!
Holy shit dudes! I'm not even kidding when I tell you I've gone boy crazy this time. I can't think about anything else, just cock and sex and dudes! Maybe its a problem because of uni, but I'm so horny that it's fuckin funny!

So here's some examples from today of how toey I am. We were at curtin campus in the arvo and I spotted a familiar face. "Wait a minute!" I said "Waaaaait a minute!"
"what are we waiting for?" asked Emily
I recognised him from the ECU commercials this guy is smokin hot in person, he's more tanned. The interesting thing is, when I first saw that ad, I said "he's not bad...I'd lick his balls." Having seen him in the flesh today, I would do more than that. I was pretty loud in telling everyone at my table who he was and how sexy I thought he is. But he knows it...also nobody agreed with me.

Later, on the bus home I sat next to this dude who was ok looking (for a white guy) and clearly gay. I was getting flashing lights on my gaydar. I kept fantasizing about kissing him, just grabbing him and pashing his face! I tried to figure out what his pashing style would be from looking at him. Hot diggity. I need to fuck someone...STAT!

Week In Review: Part 4 - Monday's Child

2008-08-11T04:25:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry that I missed the update on Friday but I had things to do...seriously Internet reader, get a life.

Most of the time the course I'm doing is stuffed full of bullshit. But today it ended up being accidentally fantastic but for you to understand what I'm talking about, we need some context so let's get comfortable and enjoy the backstory. Ready?

BACKSTORY!

So I've got a mole on my head, its been there a while I spose, we met about 3 or 4 years ago, it's above my left ear. So what big deal right? Yeah well what if its ALL-OF-A-SUDDEN-CANCER?! The worst kind of cancer. I had a haircut and that got me thinking about it (read: irrationally panicking).

Anyway, lets' leap forwards now to Monday morning BACKSTORY OVER.

A woman with glasses asked me how I was and I said "not good, I think I have cancer." She laughed and I told her more or less what I just told you. What does she say? She looks past me and says "Dr Boyd, this young man thinks he has cancer, can you put his mind at ease?"

Dr Boyd is like a cancer surgeon specialist! Haha, talk about convenient, its great having access to people like that! Boyd says if it was malignant, I'd have been dead a year. And...I don't think I'm dead a year.........yet.

HIGHLIGHTS:

No cancer maybe!
The drive home where my grooving to Stevie Wonder was watched by cute kids.

LOWLIGHTS:

It's Monday, dude!

VERDICT: Yeahhhh....nah whatever.

Week In Review: Part 3 - Thurs For The Memories

2008-08-07T03:59:00.000-07:00

Thursday?! Gimme a break, today dragged on like nobody's business. Any day that starts with a lecture about economics and geriatric dentistry, is the day you shoulda stayed in bed muthafucka! Mmm and I was so warm in my bed, so warm and comfortable. Come to think of it, why do I ever get out of bed?

I was going to take tomorrow afternoon off until Emily reminded me that our psycho behavioural science teacher will fail you if you miss a single lecture without a doctors certificate. This guy is a total whackjob, he's on the verge of snapping you can feel it. And wtf one lecture and you fail? This guy needs to get real. Fast. I'm not going to stand for this, Internet Reader! I'ma do something about this motherfucker.

On the positive side, Donny came over after school and we got a lot of work done on our robot costume for the video...other than that today was really a bit of a lukewarm turd.

*****
HIGHLIGHTS:

Finishing the robot costume!!! (I'll post a picture tomorrow)
Walking the corridors of uni with Emily, I confessed a fake desire to pee in the drawers of the postgrad's office area while a postgrad student was walking behind us listening :/ talk about a cliche!

LOWLIGHTS:

Sooooooo goddamned tired
99% of the day was boring
This unbelievable nonsense about not being able to miss a single lecture of behavioural science.

VERDICT: Dude, thumbs down.

Week In Review: Part 2 - Woah! Woah! It's Woden's Day!

2008-08-06T05:13:00.000-07:00

Woah! Woden's Day already? We better get a move on then. Today I woke up really effing tired because I was up all night reading articles in preparation for a presentation (Across the nation). In actual fact I was up all night reading erotic fiction and chatting on MSN, I put more work into the title page of the presentation than any other part and that's the secret of my success™!

I'm pleased with how it went because it got some laughs, even from the stone faced lecturer who is hewn from pure Academite.

Wednesday was more or less your standard day I suppose, and this isn't really the kind of blog that just blah blah blahs about my boring day, you don't care about that do you Internet Reader? You're busy. So I'm gonna talk about things on the wild side. I think I broke 2 laws today...thats if we lump all the traffic laws I broke into 1 category (speeding, running red lights etc) and I spoke openly about patients.

If you haven't worked in healthcare before, its time you got real and realised that we talk about you. That's right, your weirdo podiatrist and your kindly old doctor all talk about you when you're gone! I suppose its some kind of confidentiality issue...but I wonder how many laws we all break on a daily basis, what about you guys? You broken any laws lately?!

*****
HIGHLIGHTS:

The presentation which had this awesomely hilarious title page:
Talking to the lecturer afterwards about nerdy stuff.
Driving home I see these 3 dudes walking along in yellow smiley face balaclavas! Being filmed by a black guy! I imagined them having sex with eachother "nono!" says the black man "keep the balaclavas on."
While picking my nose on the drive home, I spy a hot asian male (or HAM) picking his own nose in the car behind me!
Breakin the lawww!

VERDICT: Pretty boring, old Odin would be ashamed!

Now is the winter of our DISC-ontent

2008-08-06T04:19:00.000-07:00

Life is great when you're a New Release! Everyone wants you, and when they cant' find you they ask about you at the counter. People even invite their friends over to meet you when they bring you home...you always have a great time! And when its time to go back to the Video store, you're taken care of all the way, no scratches on your young data side.

But time takes its toll...the people forget about you and leave you on the shelf
"Hey, didn't we have fun? I showed you my special features!" Pretty soon you're yesterday's hero and no one even remembers how you end.

Now look at you, you're stuck in the weekly shelves with all the other rejects. "Get away from me! I'm not like you, you're not even dual layered! I'm not supposed to be here!" But no one can hear you or see your front cover, as you're wedged between 2 hasbeen movies, with long abandoned dreams.

Its been so long since you felt that shock, that electricity when someone's finger touches your case spine and pulls you slowly slowly out, and you don't even care what they think. They don't really wanna watch you, you're just part of a package deal, 1 new release and 2 weeklies $7.95. You glare at the doe eyed new release on the ride home, poor thing doesn't know what's coming.

When that take you home and drop you in the slot you can't even cry anymore as your scratched up used belly stings from the shame of whats become of you...winter has come, you're never gonna be watched again.

Week In Review: Part 1- Tyr In Your Hand

2008-08-05T07:38:00.000-07:00

NOTE: I have decided to review this week starting Tuesday. Stay tuned for daily updates on whatever...who cares if you don't? I don't, fuck you!

The depression express has been derailed! All of its tiny sad little passengers are charred and broken. How dope is that?

As you know from the previous (maudlin) post, I had been tangled in a cycle of regret and obsession by comparing myself to others in the worst possible light. But as I was driving to uni this morning something shifted. What started during the song Sheep, got more powerful in Down the Line and I was almost destroyed by an upwelling of confidence. Don't let the darkness eat you up, don't let the darkness eat you up...

I quite literally took his advice and said (though I must not admit it) "Free from love, Farrell. Free from love" (I call myself Farrell when reassuring myself).

Things like this...real shifts in my view hardly ever happen. My addiction to terrible ideas and feelings makes it seem like things will never change, but today I sincerely feel good, as if I'm not in need of that emotional heroin: the idea of some impossible love from bores that don't give a shit about me, no longer waiting for the love that isn't real and will never arrive. Free from love, Farrell...

The musical therapy continued as I drove on to school, and my iPod knew what to do. It kept spooling off songs that had distinct tones of closure about them, like songs that would be played at the end of a movie after everything is resolved. The lyrics and the sound of times passed, moving on...

Things just got better and better all day, working with my colleagues in the clinic, I broke another part of the spell that's been looping in my mind. This idea had developed that people who work in offices are much better than me "wow, so interesting," I would say "so exotic and stylish!" This is obviously not true, but to someone like me, whose never worked in an office, its easy to make that mistake, as everyone talks about it all the goddamned time. I realised its much cooler and more rewarding working in healthcare.

OFFICIAL MEMO: fuck you office losers with your bullshit suits and promotions. Go on and suck my wig!
*****
HIGHLIGHTS:

Obviously starting to feel better is the number 1 highlight.
Working in Radiography with Daniel and we were joking about how the xray exposure button looks like a microphone. Daniel sings "it had to be you" into the 'mic'.
Minutes later Daniel picks up a real human skull with the top cut off it and croons "it had to be you" into the bowl of bones.
At work, this viet guy rents movies and his surname is (impossibly) Farrell!?!? I asked him about it and he says "my girlfriend's account" to which I say "your girlfriend is a count?!" Hahahaha, we all laughed.

VERDICT: Awesome day, this is a keeper.

Choo-Choo!

2008-08-01T06:37:00.000-07:00

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS WHINING AND SELF PITY AND SHOULD NOT BE READ.

All aboard the depression express!

I seem to have this sickness where I periodically pick over the bones of my past as if inviting depression's ghostly hug. I am obsessive about my past, and the enormous piles of mistakes and pain it contains.

When I lived in Melbourne, I was in love with a man who destroyed me. I was swallowed into his social circle and to be honest I was out of my league, these were highly educated people skimming across the top of everything in their speedboat minds, dragging me behind, thrashing and mauled by the waves they made.

Add my unattractive clingy behaviour into the mix and its a recipe for getting yo' ass dumped. He went off to New York City, a place so distant and steeped in legend it may as well be Camelot. It was as if he was ascending into the clouds, the flame from his jetpack scorching me in the face. And so I was alone...

The people in his circle kept me around for a while, I think more out of pity than anything, though at the time I genuinely thought they were interested in me...I was "adopted" by 2 of the coolest people in Melbourne and I transformed into this hanger on of a hipster pack. My social time was divided between the hipster clique who I felt were operating on some completely different level, finding a hollow humour in an ironic appreciation of life and the other group who were then the age I am now, drunk on fresh fumes of careers and wanted to talk about wine. Picture a dinner party where everyone is discussing Turkish poetry and being very sophisticated...thats me...silently staring from face to face completely unable to contribute, on the outside of the curve created by their backs.

Eventually I made some friends of my own, and picked up enough of myself that I was able to hot-glue-gun back into some semblance of a personality. But I can't shake this feeling I'm still the hick at the ball...that their lives have formed them more completely and their level of understanding things, their skills and education open doors of success much higher than I'll ever reach. I read their blogs from time to time and feel as if I'm watching stuff seep in from a parallel universe.

Sadness is curling in all round me, I'm about to get depressed...start the countdown. I want to burrow into the earth and stay there.

Cathy Fremen

2008-07-29T07:38:00.000-07:00

It is by will alone I set my legs in motion. It is by the juice of Saphu that the legs acquire speed, the feet acquire stains, the stains become a warning.

Cigarettes have families too

2008-07-23T08:40:00.000-07:00

It's the little things

2008-07-17T11:49:00.000-07:00

At first everything seemed straightforward. All I had to do was work and get some money and...well go with the flow. There were people out there, somewhere who's job it was to come up with things that used my money. I just had to trust them. I did trust them. But then people started showing up who were aggressively projecting some kind of happiness or success, right in my face. I began to get uncomfortable with the whole arrangement. Was I bad at getting what I wanted? Maybe there was something I missed.

"I'm very successful!" he says, not with his voice, but with the things around him. THE CAR IS A RENTAL THE WATCH IS A FAKE. His idea of success is actually someone else's...that's the worst of all. Now its all annoying, its all the little things you know...

The passengers burst into conversation about me after I leave the train. People break into my room at night and steal all the music off my iPod...replacing it with sand that squirts into my ears like a nasty surprise. It takes so long to get sand out of your ear, who knows how deep it went? Someday it will emerge a pearl and everyone will admire all the work I put into it.

I see an immense number flashing red whenever I close my eyes. Each time it gets lower, counting down towards....what?

The ghost of Albert Einstein has appeared to me, he tells me I should quit my job. Easy for him to say, he doesn't have any flesh to support, still I know he's right. He travels around telling people they're in the wrong line of work, that's his job...it seems a strange situation. He's persistent: every 15 minutes he appears wailing and rattling chains, it's so distracting that if he keeps it up I'll be fired instead, how will he feel about that? Will he support me or just go to the next poor soul? I suppose he doesn't want to get involved.

Fucking ghosts.

At some point I became aware that the sky is filled with messages written in the clouds, but you can't understand them, no-one can. Even if you could, they're only about the weather: "nice weather today" or "Sorry bout the rain! :(" When did everything become so unbelievably pointless? Get me outta here Albert...As a child I dreamt of being eaten by Charom Ka, the wandering hungry wormhole. Charom Ka the unstoppable! Charom Ka who snakes unhindered through all the places known, his body is a passage through the secret mess of time and space. Would that I knew the song to summon him and pass into the exotic alien vastness that exists all around our tiny planet.

Interview with the Librarian

2008-07-16T13:24:00.000-07:00

I recently sat down with Librarienne Seline Trapper for an interview about her life, the interview will appear in next month's Kittridge Experience Magazine (for men and women).

THE KITTRIDGE EXPERIENCE: Can you start by telling us a bit about yourself?

SELINE TRAPPER: My name is Seline Trapper, I'm 37 years old and I pay 200 dollars a day to a pirate who has kidnapped my family. He says I have to pay him 200 dollars a day or he'll kill my husband and children.

TKFE: You must have an interesting life.

ST: My life is very stressful I'm constantly in fear of the pirate - that's the pirate I mentioned earlier - killing my family. I can't eat or sleep well and I'm crying most of the time. I feel weak and horrible.

TKFE: what do you do for a living?

ST: I'm a librarian...I've been working at the library for 17 years and I'm a very diligent worker they noticed this and put me in charge. I'm the boss of the library so I have to write all of the books, though a lot of my day is spent repairing damaged words in older books, or crafting verbs for local industry out of iron.

TKFE: most people think libraries and librarians are boring.

ST: Libraries are very exciting if you use your imagination! There's many exciting stories inside libraries. It's a lot of work but I make a lot of money from all the people that come to my library to read my books.

TKFE: That must come in handy for paying the pirate.

ST: yes, the pirate is quite pleased that he gets 200 dollars a day from me, we have exchanged emails a few times and he has said as much. Everyone at work has been very supportive, even my pirate colleague Janice has been kind. Though this incident involving my family has started to affect my work, all the books I write now are about pirates. I dreamt the other night that I was tangled in an enormous beard above shark infested water. As I slowly slipped down through the beard, I looked up to see my family: all pirates, laughing. My husband had 2 peg legs and 2 peg arms, part of his face was a peg face. I woke up just as I hit the water.

TKFE: Have you spoken to your family since the abduction?

ST: No, I have only gotten a text message from my daughter to wish me a happy birthday, that was very nice but I couldn't really appreciate it because I was so stressed about my family being held captive by horrible people. Also, I think the pirate typed the message on his phone, so that tainted it a bit. And the message was a week late.

TKFE: Do you think you'll ever see your family again?

ST: Yes, I do...I am an optimistic person, I have tried to keep a positive outlook on things during all of this, I still attend my cooking class each week for example even if it is just to sob violently. Everyone in the class understands and they try to just work around me, the teacher raises her voice slightly so the others can hear. I cook too...through the tears. I can't rely too much on the police because the police are all pirates of course. Janice, who is a Pirate I work with, knows the man who stole my family and she has been helping me work out a plan. She had met him socially and they dated. We're attempting to change his mind and get him to set my family free without violence, but its a slow process - it will take years.

Beta-Ray™

2008-04-29T09:05:00.001-07:00

So Blu Ray™ has won, but at what cost? Let us bow our heads in remembrance for all those killed in the Great Format War.

Type, Set, Match

2008-03-08T21:54:00.000-08:00

^^Click to Enlarge^^
Fig 1.1

YLGU | UGLY

2008-03-03T05:17:00.000-08:00

At school we have been getting lectures about orthodontics and I had my face analysed in front of the class. How embarrassing. Anyway, I thought it'd be fun to take some photos of myself and then mirror them to see how symmetrical I am or whatever. So let's find out what I'd look like if both halves of my face were the same...Be warned, some of these images are horrible."Hi, I just had a stroke!"

Fuck you, don't laugh at strokes!

An inconvenient jpeg

2008-02-25T04:38:00.000-08:00

A boy and his Octopus

2008-02-21T03:24:00.000-08:00

That sensation that you felt up the back of the bus...

2008-02-20T06:12:00.000-08:00

As you heard yesterday, I am toey as a Roman sandal. I am currently being aroused by all sorts of things, perhaps the most potent idea at the moment is lying in bed with my man, feeling our hearts beating and our skin in high, close contact. But that's a fantasy, lemme give you a real world erotic example.

When I decided to take the bus to school and not the train, I was worried the number of pervable guys would drop, because buses are small potatoes. That is actually true for the bus ride from home into the city, there's nothing going on. But in town yesterday, I noticed a very appealing Asian man on my bus, the 24. His pants were not tight enough for me to see his bum, so I had to use my imagination, that's okay!

In what you might call synchronicity, a few days ago I fantasized about being on a crowded train and getting very very close to a hot guy and this morning, the bus was crowded. Its important that you know I was sitting down and the sexyman was standing. I remembered where he got off, so when the bus stopped, I turned around to get a look at him leaving and looked up, straight into his eyes, there was that flash there, that jolt when you really lock eyes, and before I know it, he's squeezing past, brushing his crotch along my shoulder and my arm. Seconds later, the guy behind him did the same thing! I was almost destroyed by the buildup of lust that resulted from this barrage of man. The first crotch brush meant the most to me...

I'm sorry if this blog post is a retread of yesterday, I dont' want to repeat myself here. But please understand it's such a refreshing change for me, because I'm surrounded by women all day, and having male gonads rubbed on me is better than the tit brush I occasionally get from Grace, the mega frump.

Id, ego, super-SEXXXAY!

2008-02-18T02:29:00.000-08:00

Just a quick one so you can get your infusion of Kittridge XP. I find myself getting a bit toey and itchy for men...Sexy men with great skin and inviting lips. And my god, they're everywhere. On the train, in my dreams, in the streets...and on the landing grounds.

They aren't at uni though are they?

Well you can imagine my surprise this morning during the boringness of orientation week, amongst the paper storm of unit outlines in walks our tutor for behavioural psychology 123 and he's a sexy velvet fox!

I literally didn't know what to do with myself, I was so shocked to find someone that appealing in the room, I couldn't stop grinning at him. Mmm, he had a light coating of stubble and rich brown eyes. He kept talking about doing oral presentations! Can you believe it? You can't believe it!

I'm going to enjoy being taught for once!

DIRECTORS COMMENTARY: Ohhh my god I'm totally hot for teacher! I wanna step right up to him and smell his neck, pushing him against the desk while grinding my crotch into his! I wanna lick his sack!! Holy moley! When's the first lecture?!

Come to Perth...okay don't.

2008-02-18T01:42:00.000-08:00

Perth was founded on August 23 1804 by a group of European settlers who just wanted everyone to leave them alone. Following their arrival at the Swan River, they burrowed deep underground to begin solitary lives in tiny warrens, feeding on worms and beetle larvae. Years later, the city was re-settled by people who respected the lonesome desire of "The Burrowing Founders". Even today the people of Perth honour those who came before by placing offerings of fruit platters at the entrance to a local warren, in what is called The Perth Stay At Home Festival which is every day.

Should we break some bread?

2008-02-14T07:01:00.000-08:00

Everybody knows that I used to live in Melbourne, it was a great thing to have done, even if my beginnings there were....'traumatic'. What a great city! I love it to pieces, but I had to leave because I got sick of rolling around my enormous ball of string.

I'm sorry for embedding video, I know you're all terribly busy, but does anybody know where that garden is at 00:44? I never saw it and its the kind of place I like.

Back to school

2008-02-12T00:44:00.000-08:00

I had to go back to school on Monday, and as anyone else whose suffered this can tell you, it sucks. In the 3 months I had off, I found my calling as a bum who got up at 1pm to watch Ellen. Yesterday was exhausting and today was even worse, but it was also hilarious.

We were doing op-tech until lunch and I just about had a fucking stroke. In the clinic I become most distressed as I can never get the hang of these procedures. I'm having more trouble as things progress and I'm feeling this enormous urge to pull out of the course altogether. But that's lachrymose, I'll get to the funny stuff. After lunch we were subjected to a 2 hour sales pitch from Dentsply disguised as a lecture/practical workshop. Luckily I was sitting next to my friend Emily or the whole thing would have bored me to death, literally. We found dozens of things to laugh at secretly, though you probably had to be there. I'll give you one example...

She was talking about the great opportunities that exist for the dental professional, and said "When you graduate you can work in the third world!" Haha as if that's all we're good for. What a bitch.

On the way home things got funnier. I passed a woman who was yawning at a professional level. ...I noticed her yawning reflection in a shop window when she was ahead of me and her mouth stayed open as I came and walked alongside her. I began to openly stare at her, entranced by her powerful yawn from outerspace. When she finally finished I had to speed ahead so I could laugh. At the train station a lot of people were pressing the button to find out when the next service was. I swear to god that I heard the machine say "the next service to Hobo Central will be..."Enough laughter! Time for painful thoughts! Halfway through the Dentsply "workshop" I realised I had worked with the presenter when I was a temp nurse in Melbourne. At that stage in my "career" I'd had enough of being a dental nurse and would candidly reveal this fact at work. She asked me then "well, why do you do it?" That question is having strong echoes now. I feel like I've realised too late that you can actually choose the direction your life takes, but maybe I'm too scared to go out there and do what I really love. I've bumbled along all the way up to this point in my life, without a clear goal, is it any wonder I'm not happy with it?

Op-tech means operative techniques by the way.

Digital Video Disorders

2008-02-09T09:30:00.000-08:00

Like anyone with a stunted social development, I'm a big fan of movies, tv and all that sort of thing so I've done a bit of renting in my time. These days everyone wants to abandon the concept of renting videos in favour of buying DVDs. OK that's fine I guess, I'm not into telling people how to live their lives, but there's no pot of gold at the end of that rainbow...

It will hit you when its too late. When you're on your roof and you place the last DVD onto the pile that's stacked so high it comes out the top of your chimney. You suddenly realise that there is no room left inside for you and you're one of a growing number of people made homeless by their DVD collection. The logic behind all this hoarding is that it's good value. Why pay 7 dollars to rent a movie when I could buy it for only 14 dollars and 95 cents?! "I'm nobody's fool! Now I can watch it whenever I please!" but you won't, you idiot.

Anyway, I like renting and I've noticed a couple of strange problems that happen after getting out some movies, let's go through them, and you can tell me if they happen to you.

OBLIGATION SYNDROME:
This condition strikes when you've gotten more movies than you can realistically handle, your eyes were bigger than your stomach. The main culprit here I suppose is the "package deal" which encourages you to rent 5 more videos for (somehow) less money(?!). I'd like to see some statistics on how many cumulative years I've spent in the video store, wandering the weekly aisles, looking for movies that exist only in my head, phantoms and desires as unrentable as the wisdom of ages.
EFFECTS:
You get home and you watch 1 video (maybe 2) and the rest of them sit there. You would have us believe that you'll get around to watching them eventually, you just can't be bothered at the moment. Usually, the videos get returned unwatched. In some cases the videos can sit there for way too long and the victim enters a state of delusion...they cannot return them unwatched now as they've had them for too long. In their confusion, the renter believes it is better to incur the late fees than not watch them at all. The video store software does not forget and it ticks down the days, the renter waits to be "in the mood" to watch the videos but they are waiting for a moment that will never come.

MIDNIGHT COWBOY DISORDER/UNWANTED VIDEOSIS:
You're pretty special and you have amazing taste in movies, tonight you feel like getting that one movie you missed at the cinema, or you're gonna show your friends that movie that defines you as a person. You walk into the store with a dream, with a glint in your eye. You're going to rent up big and its going to be spectacular. Little by little, your confidence is eroded, the glint in your eye becomes a pleading look and eventually a cold stare as the clerk tells you that what you came in for is unavailable. You should just give up and do something else for the night, but you've gone to the store so you may as well rent something. Essentially you're forced to accept the best of whats available, but whatever, they seem OK, and they probably have well known actors in them.
EFFECTS:
By the time you get home you realise you don't like these movies. You have no desire to watch them and in fact you come to resent them. Like the babies you didn't want, they play on your mind, grating on you, demanding all your time. Fuck you! I never wanted you anyway! WHY DON'T YOU FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE FOR FIVE MINUTES?! YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE! Extreme cases of unwanted videosis can result in death.

I'm having this trouble right now with Volver, I never wanted to see it, why did I rent it? Fuck Volver. We can see that both these conditions lead to a decreased desire to watch the videos but the genesis...what kills the desire is different in each case.

Raspberry Surprise!

2008-02-07T16:56:00.000-08:00

So this is what I've been doing the last few days. I've shown it to some folk and gosh...they just don't like it. No, its not me doing the...uh...the "raspberry beret" but a fellow by the name of Jack222 who can be observed in the wilds of xtube.com

UPDATE:

Buzz buzz buzz!

2008-02-06T00:51:00.000-08:00

One of the most famous numbers is the "Number of the Beast" which of course is 666. But a recent article in the science magazine "Nature" claims to have found another number namely 667, the Number of the Bee. Not many people know that, but I assure you it's just as important.

This discovery suggests that there is a sizable database of animal numbers stored somewhere, presumably in alphabetical order of animal...animbetical order? We've only just scratched the surface here. Who is keeping these numbers and why? Where are they stored?

unexpected homos

2008-02-03T21:17:00.000-08:00

"Wolfe"?

On Saturday at work, I served an old couple and facilitated their rental of several weekly DVDs, one of which was a thriller by the name of Phantom.

Later, while doing returns the old man comes back in with Phantom. I had assumed he was going to ask me to clean it because thats what they all want. So I said "Yes mate?" He wanted to return Phantom because its not what he had expected, you see it had homosexuality in it.

I let him exchange it for another video. He said "I don't have anything against that! I just wasn't expecting it." Then I looked at the back of the box and there were 3 photos...all of men kissing. Am I a bad homo for letting him exchange the video? I feel kind of guilty about letting him get away with that now. At the time I was like "well, who cares its only a weekly?" but now I feel I may have yielded to the patriarchy. What do you think?

Thus Spake The Lord

2008-02-03T06:45:00.000-08:00

TRG

2008-01-24T22:43:00.000-08:00

So yesterday I went to the movies to see Sweeny Todd: the Boring Musical of Fleet Street With No Good Songs In It. (That counts as your review btw). Anyway, we were early so we milled around in the lobby where I saw this meefy guy wearing a shirt that read "Tyranny Response Group" but I saw:
MEANWHILE...

OMG!

2008-01-24T06:40:00.000-08:00

Excuse me, that's totally fucking awesome!

2008-01-23T05:50:00.000-08:00

Well, fist (haha "fist" hilarious typo, I'll keep it in) let me just update you on how things went since last you suckled at my blogteet (Eww).

The whole mess started when I was engaging in 2 of my favourite things: flossing and watching the big labowski and I felt something that made me think I had oral thrush. Interesting point: I'm the only person in the world that would have thought that. Then this happened: oral thrush > opportunistic infection > lowered immunity > HIV > GOSH!

Then I went through the fear process that you read in my previous posts with the blood tests too. I went to my psych and unloaded on her. I told her that it was maybe strange to an outside observer, because I was alternating between sheer terror and flippant whatevers, but hell...it's exhausting to be that anxious.

It turns out she is an expert in this area. So she put on her Amazing Helmet™ and calmed me down, saying the likelihood of me contracting it is low. So potent were her FREUDIAN MAGICS that most of my HIV fears evaporated! Wicked, let's share needles!

NAVMAN: In one hundred metres, turn left into Memory Lane.

When I was studying to be a dental nurse, I got what we call a sharps injury or a needlestick injury from a used instrument. Protocols emerged and I found myself getting my blood tested and suddenly worried. Since then, and this was 5 years ago, every sniffle every cold or flu was seen as seroconversion and the beginning of the end. I remember some years back, when I was a sperm donor I had a blood test to check for STDs ...once the blood was taken I got into a tizzy, as it was maybe around the anniversary of that fateful wound. "What would they find?! (AIDS!)" I thought. Ignoring all normal rules, the cryobiology guy (who is probably a blog post in himself) rang up and left my results on the answering machine. I cannot possibly describe the relief I felt, that incredible rush of FUCK YES! LIFE IS GOOD! I went for a drive and as if the universe was trying to be as cheesy as possible, "hellelujah" by jeff buckley was on the radio and I was moved to tears by his falsetto.

SHUT THE FUCK UP KITT!

Blood Simple

2008-01-15T21:43:00.000-08:00

So, I went to the doctor's today and they took my blood. Now I have to wait a week. It's out of my hands now. I'm going to see my shrink tomorrow, maybe she can help me.

Holy shit...please please please....

Live by the sword, die of complications resulting from a retroviral infection in the lymphatic system

2008-01-13T08:21:00.000-08:00

A filthy horror visits me tonight, clawing at my insides like a rat in so much garbage. The rat of AIDS tunnels through my gut and bursts out into the night, as the wind howls into the exit wound it seems to whisper "you will die..."

The first thing people say to you when you're worried you have HIV, is "go and get tested." They say this from their unassailable tower of heterosexual monogamy or their lifestyle of "never looked at someone without a condom on." It's a useless statement and the unspoken message is "better you than me." What they may see as going to the doctor and having some blood drawn is less than half the picture. Understand that the testing itself is terrifying.

To call the doctor is to ask someone to tell you that you're going to die. The waiting room is the slow approaching menace of the death row execution, jiggling your legs won't make anything better but it's all you can do. The blood is taken and then you wait and wait and wait and wait. In your mind, already you are dead, the virus is inside and its work has begun. The blood becomes bad news, and now what comfort you may have found in fantasies of it being something else are gone. It's real now, unavoidable, inescapable, incurable.

When I get this way I always think how it isn't fair...as if karma actually worked, as if the fact that "I'm not a bad person" has anything to do with anything. I want so desperately to believe in a magic god I can pray to, so he'll appear in my house and say "you don't have HIV. Go to sleep now, Farrell everything will be alright." I want to believe that I'm okay and not trapped in my own flesh, a skinless helpless puppy in a toxic deadly world.

"Get tested" you say, what I need to do first is prepare myself for death.

iPod therefore iAm

2008-01-12T20:17:00.000-08:00

So I got an iPod and now I'm officially up to date circa 2001. I'll skip all the dross about me hating apple and iTunes and how I was going to say it was iRonic I got one for christmas and just get to the point: my idea for an application for music players with video capability!

I don't know what you would call it, I can't think of anything snappy enough but it's a bit of value adding people can use on their digital album delivery. While the song plays, the lyrics are scrolling across the screen no big deal, I guess, but here's the hook. Using a system similar to flash, a small animation sequence could be added giving an interesting typographical layout and illustrative flourishes to the lyrics.

I'd buy that for a dollar...or more. Who's with me?

Settle down, settle down my desire!

2008-01-11T07:38:00.000-08:00

Y'know...sometimes I'm honestly surprised by the things that I do, I'll do something without realising how stupid it is and then when it's noticed by someone else, I realise that it is actually hilarious! That's what happened today when I was in the car listening to the wonderful Joanna Newsom and started doing this...

Hahaha! Idiot.

Also, you can see my new Haircut in video form. I got it at the same place as my last one, and yeah..I'll go back. I get along fairly well with the girl which is weird because I used to dread talking to hairdressers.

I Am Legend Or: How I Am Learn Stop Worry And Love Jesus

2008-01-06T18:40:00.000-08:00

So this is a tricky movie to review because for the first 2 thirds of its length, its really quite good. I wanted to like it but the ending negates all the things I liked about it. Anyway, first the good news.

Its 2012 and everyone is either dead or some kind of mindless vampire and it's all Emma Thompson's fault! Will Smith isn't dead or a vampire and we first meet him as he's hunting for deer with a high powered assault rifle in a sports car. Haha, Will Smith: American Caveman.

I'm a fan of Apocalyptic imagery - the mushroom cloud, the ruined city - that shit is my Mona Lisa, bitch! So I really got off on the bleak Manhattan in this film. Abandoned cars jam the streets and some buildings are draped in tattered plastic covers stamped with the biohazard symbol.

We're introduced to Will Smiths daily life as the last surviving human, he goes on raids of apartments to find supplies and equipment, hunts for food and broadcasts his distress signal. In one scene we see that petrol cost $6 a gallon before the crisis...or maybe because of it?

The story of where he got his dog and what happened to his family is told in flashback. As they are trying to leave the city before the roads are closed there are scenes of mass panic and chaos that echo war of the worlds. The army is scanning people's eyes before they let them out, checking who may or may not have the virus. A woman whose eyes are bleeding begs anyone to take her healthy daughter, in a matter of minutes she will succumb to madness and devour those around her. These scenes have an effect. It works because it's believable, we understand this kind of thing, we anticipate it because we live in The Age of Fear.

At first the only problem I had was with Will Smith's character of Robert Neville. He's in tremendous physical shape, surprisingly mentally healthy (given his 1000 days of solitude), got all the skills and know-how in the world, he's immune to the virus and he's a genius scientist. It seems his only weakness is that he's Too Legit To Quit.

But that pales in comparison to the tsunami of bullshit that is the last 3rd of the film. Enter Anna. She's a survivor too and she wants to tell you about her lord and saviour Jesus Christ. First of all Will Smith's reaction to finally meeting another human is stupid "no! I want to remain alone!" fuck off, why were you talking to mannequins then? And secondly, you'd think that after everyone is dead and vampires inherit the earth, one would give up on the whole Jesus trip. Not Anna!

Like war of the worlds before it, the film builds a compelling, credible nightmare scenario that can't be won and then chickens out and tacks on a happy ending that makes no sense and is jarring given what preceded it. Will Smith suddenly gets born again and says "I can save you! I can save you!"('re immortal soul from sin! Praise Jesus!) and I'm left with the ashes of a good story slipping through my fingers, crying about what could have been.

Note to Hollywood: Hope is so last century.

VERDICT: Initially promising but then it shows its true colours. Bad.

Imagine your pain as a white ball of healing light...

2008-01-04T10:52:00.001-08:00

Gaydar is great because it allows even someone like me to have sex with people. Also if you're feeling evil (and yes, at the moment I am), it affords you opportunities to mock people. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Exhibit A: Johnny x
*saxophone music*
Johnny x sent me a message on gaydar that read:

"hello Im a total "NERD"lol,I know Im older then you ask for but I also know you will never find a person like me who will put your needs before anyone elses even my own,Im told Im great in bed and would like you to make love to me all night long. I have a good dvd collection Im sure you'd like and a large plasma TV. I know you will never feel disapointed with me and id awaken you every morning by sucking your lovely cock..and I love to laugh and I know you will never have a dull moment..hope you will reply..Johnny x"

It reminded me of that scene in fight club where Chloe, the woman from the cancer support group got up and started talking about how she'd like to get laid one last time...I have pornographic movies in my apartment, and lubricants, and amyl nitrate...

Surprisingly I was able to resist his charms because I noticed something unusual in his photograph. Let's take a much much closer look...
Hmm...Happiness or desperate clawing sadness? Like the Mona Lisa, Johnny x's smile is haunting and mysterious.

Other choice moments from Johnny x's profile:

He lists his favourite actor as Jake Gillinghall. "Cabby, take me to the Gillinghall! I must lodge my Gil before Three O'Clock!"
"Why is it impossible to find anyone who wants to join me in happiness to either become my gym buddy,fuck buddy and or partner.arent there any decent guys left out there?" Hmm, think about that one for a minute there, Johnny.
"I do not like arseholes who try to scam others or people who ask for money,if your one of those pricks or an African,Nigerian,keep going as I dont like you." WTF?! Weird, unnecessary racism?

DIRECTORS COMMENTARY: Gaydar lets you send a "no thanks" message to people which is a proforma kind of thing "hi, thanks for sending me a message but...blah blah blah" because I didn't wanna leave him hanging, I sent one to Johnny. When I logged onto gaydar after work, he'd sent me a no thanks in reply! Hahaha, on ya Johnny!

Much Ado About a Bunch of Fucking Dipshits

2008-01-04T07:06:00.000-08:00

As I get older, all the notions I used to have about people being essentially good are being gradually, consistently ground away. Look, I'm aware that most of you, my readers are people - I'm not talking about you, its not you, its not me...it's The Great Unwashed.

Before I started working in retail, I didn't truly realise the kind of bullshit one had to deal with. I got a crash course today. At the end of my shift I was asked to vacuum the mats in front of the counter. My workplace has a vacuum cleaner with "PULLMAN" written on it, and that's what I call him when we vacuum "come along, Pullman!" I say "we've got to work together!" Ha ha ohhh Pullman, you're always getting stuck around corners!

Anyway, I was vacuuming the mats in front of the registers as I've said, and even though there are 2 other registers to go to this customer decides that it's best to use the one that I'm vacuuming. That's the best course of action, obviously (strike 1). It was the end of my shift so vacuuming is the last thing I wanted to be doing, I thought, fuck this bitch, I'll vacuum around her and set Pullman to work on the edge of the mat. Little did I know that this lady had a personal space that was exactly the same size and shape as the mat, because she turned around and had a go at me.

CRAZY BITCH SAYS: (shouting) Do you have to do that while a customer is here?! Go and clean somewhere else!
I SAYS: (gives the old stink eye) Yeah...alright. (Strike 2)

But that's not all, after I'd finished cleaning "somewhere else!" she decided to come over and appease her conscience by apologising to me. We can assume her horrid skull contains only the following thoughts:

The customer is always right, one should be treated as a king when spending $7.95 at the local video store.
Apoligise to people after being a cunt to them for no reason, this makes you a better person, gosh you're wonderful!

"I wasn't growling at you," she says to me, while I was winding Pullman's cord up for the night. But even as she spoke she began to remember...remember the horror, the unspeakable horror she'd been subjected to! It all got too much for her and she started yelling at me again. "what right do you think you have to do that to a customer?!"
"Look," I say "I was just trying to get the vacuuming done as quickly as I could."
"I understand that!" (she's so understanding!) "but you need to understand where I'm coming from! It's just not appropriate! If you have to vacuum do it, but don't vacuum near a customer's feet, that's something you do at home!" (wtf?)
"Ma'm, I'm sorry if you felt uncomfortable but I was just trying to do my job, I didn't think anyone would mind."

I know what you're thinking "yeah, big deal she's just a joyless woman with a black shriveled heart...what do you expect?" and you're right, but she knows one of the people I worked with and will no doubt complain. The next time I go to work it'll be:
"Kitt...why were you harassing customers and attacking them with the vacuum cleaner? Why were you shouting at customers and raping them and shitting on their face?"

If you press your ear to the monitor, you will hear my eyes rolling with all the force of planets, like boulders through a tunnel of ridiculous bullshit.

At The Changing Of The Year

2007-12-30T19:06:00.000-08:00

This morning I was woken with a text beep and realised suddenly that it's New Year's Eve to-day, and not (as I had thought) "in a couple of days". Yes, big deal I forgot the date, so what? These days its easy to synchronise your date with everyone else, what with The Internet and those new toasters that burn the date into the bread.

But there was a time before all that, where not everyone was on the same page. You couldn't simply read your toast and know where you were on the orbit. You had to work. It. Out. Only the wealthy could afford to "keep up to date" and indeed that is where the phrase came from. It was a sign of status that one knew what date it was and how many sleeps there were until christmas. The poor of course had no idea when it was and often kept working until they died, believing they were only 6 years old and that it was noon.

Each house would keep their own calendar, compiled from haphazard viewings of the sun and stars. The Family Calendar was a strikingly complicated chart, emblazoned with the crest and often featured extra months or days. Some noble calendars believed that the first 3 months repeated themselves twice at the beginning of the year. It was all guess work and highly inaccurate. I find it hilarious to think of these old English aristocrats rooting around in their Diembulary, shuffling old papers and mumbling about angles.

Diane Arbus, Why You Buggin?

2007-12-22T06:54:00.000-08:00

Above: An emotional scene from Fur where Diane Arbus (left) fights off imperial troopers with her lover Han Solo.

Department of Commerce

2007-12-21T19:31:00.000-08:00

I received this letter from the Department of Commerce yesterday and now I'm worried I'll go to Gaol! Is anyone in my readership a lawyer?! Fuck!

Fbook

2007-12-19T07:12:00.000-08:00

So, I'm just fed up with Fbook. I'm always getting messages in my inbox from Fbook about someone having sent me a message. So...instead of just being able to read the message, I have to click on a link then sign in to Fbook and then click through its labyrinthine interface trying to find what you want in order to read what could have easily been an email. Remember email? Yeah, that'll be the thing you'll go back to using after Fbook disappears in a matter of months.

And then came the plugins and third party applications. Wonderful. Now I get messages in my inbox like "Margret has sent you a gremlin!" and I have to download some program in order to find out what the hell is going on and why I've been given a gremlin. But its not going to be that easy! Oh no! You have to click on the link in the email, then you have to download the program, then you have to configure it and install it on your profile and select a whole bunch of features and people to connect it to. And after you've done all that, you just get spat back out to the Fbook page and there's no indication of where the gremlin is or what its doing!

The one or two times I've wanted to use a feature on this hula hoop of a website, I have either been thwarted by its inscrutable interface or its been broken and "unavailable" well...fuck you Fbook. Why the hell should I care if someone wrote on my wall? Or what idiots I went to kindergarten with are doing? They're all just using Fbook and sending magic winks and flying saucers to eachother.

I didn't get myspace and that has imploded, now we wait for Fbook to implode...start the clock.

UPDATE: The police have found the gremlin...it was in the Fbook serverfarm chewing wires for a few months but was dead when they found it. It just goes to show: there's no nutritional value in wires.

The Trials of Tamika

2007-12-17T04:54:00.001-08:00

Sex(?!?!) On the beach...?

2007-12-17T03:27:00.000-08:00

So there I was with my good friend Sean on the beach last night. I hadn't seen Sean in 6 months because he was in Belgium and I wasn't. Sean was explaining how the sky is low in Belgium and I was asking him to explain...that all sounds very innocent, but up toward the dunes a figure in black peeled away and started to follow us.

Figures in black are clearly very ominous, and he may have had a red right hand, I don't know. But when Sean and I stopped walking to gesture at the sky, he kept coming and walked right up to us. At about the 10m mark, we could sense his vibes and I gave him a nod and a flat "hi" to break whatever spell he was trying to weave. He didn't respond.

Now he's up close and personal and his hands are in his pockets (flag!) and he's just staring at us. Maybe 6 waves break before he says "whats up?" Sean took a step back and I wondered if I should do the same, but felt it may initiate a chase or stabbing sub-routine, so I stayed there and kept my eyes on him.
"We're just walking." I said and as if he was a continent, he allowed the waves to mark the passage of time, another 5 waves speak.
"...just walking..."
"yep." I said
I was broadcasting on the "what the fuck do you want?" frequency but he was still there.
"Okay no offense." he says and walks away. Sean immediately resumes talking about the height of the sky in Belgium until he's a safe distance away. We punctuated the chat with wide eyes and mouthed exasperations. I really don't know what he wanted.

The obvious answer is that he was cruising for sex, but he was there already before we reached him in black on the empty beach...on a Monday night. And why stick around when people are unwelcoming and step away from you? He hung around in the dark and came walking back towards us, but we stayed ahead of him. I said to Sean he would return to his wife who wouldn't even ask where he'd been.

MR GAY

2007-12-12T05:48:00.000-08:00

Mario Galaxy is great, I don't know what else to say. It's a mind blowing achievement in great level design. The joy of playing which is the central philosophy of Mario games is extended to encompass the possibilities of outerspace. It will captivate you for hours at a time and it's so bursting with diverse gameplay types and varied level design that you can't get bored.

It's funny because even though it uses the most conventional control set up, Galaxy is perhaps the best use of the Wii remote we've seen. Why? Because it doesn't shove all the motion features into places it isn't needed.

Where it does use the remote's features, it enhances the experience. You point the remote at the screen to collect the hundreds of little gemmy star bits littered around the levels, its effortless and unexpectedly fun. Shake the remote and Mario spins. A simple thing but such a great marriage of action and response that it feels good and it wouldn't be as rewarding with a button press. That's important because you spin a lot and the coolest thing is using the star cannons, step into the star, shake and you're shot off through space at high speed.

It's not perfect, there are issues with the camera, collision detection and I can't believe how bad they messed up the fire-flower! Grr! But on the whole, it's such a charming game that lets you play around with gravity and the best platforming sequences in the history of man, that you can't stay mad. If you own a Wii, you must buy this game, if you don't have a Wii, you must buy one and this game.

All the fun I had with this made me wish for the future when we could be doing this kind of shit in virtual reality. Imagine that! Jumping around little mini worlds, shooting through space like a comet. Fuck yes! Until then, Galaxy is as close as we'll get.

VERDICT: Stone Cold Masterpiece.

That's Lobstertainment

2007-12-06T23:33:00.001-08:00

Life in the Memory Economy

2007-12-05T23:28:00.000-08:00

All versions of the future you have read have been at least interesting, but on the whole incredibly inaccurate, because not one of them accounted for the phenomenon that is: The Memory Economy.

As we move further down the road toward total inhuman capitalism, even our memories and knowledge will be for sale. You will extract and on-sell your experience for precious, precious Euros.

Of principal importance in this market is the process of Memory Liquidation, the method by which your memories are drained from your mind and sold as a commodity to interested parties. Exactly who is interested depends on the type of memory concerned and in most cases there will be 2 or more potential buyers, which creates competition and increases profit potential.

Fig 1.1 below illustrates the most common transaction in this economy: movie memory sales.Fig 1.1 click to enlarge.

Of course, you as the Memory Holder would not make much money off the deal presumably only the price of the movie ticket, but at least you won't have to think about the adventures of Chuck and Larry anymore.

If a person fell on hard times and needed a larger sum of cash, they could go to a Memory Harvester and have their education liquidated and sold back to the university or a third party who wants your qualifications. This is a rather drastic move of course and a lot of people would likely lose their jobs after having it done, this would necessitate a premium payment to the Memory Holder. Though if you were in the mood to change careers it may seem like a lovely idea.

It goes without saying also that desperate has been celebrities would be involved in this economy. When Sally Fields starts getting email invitations from Dancing With The Stars, she may think about selling off that Oscar Win Memory.

Other applications:
Victims selling their rape experience to perverts
Dying politicians donating their memories to archival institutions
Nut/Gluten enthusiasts selling food memories to allergics
Anybody else got any suggestions?

Daddy said he was going for chocolate and he never came back...

2007-12-03T04:48:00.000-08:00

It struck me only minutes ago, that people at my age have children. There I was in the petrol station buying chocolate at 9:15pm while my children wait for me at home in a parallel universe. The sad thing is I'll never come back...

So I suddenly had this feeling that everyone knew I was a father, and the guy who served me thought I was buying the chocolate for my kids. That put a whole new spin on my perspective, what kind of father would I be? Would I be crushed under the weight of the responsibility? I felt for a moment like I'd stepped into the shoes of a different self...a tired father who worked hard, had commitments and wasn't incredibly selfish and indulgent, this happens to me from time to time, I wonder how things would turn out if someone else had control of my brain and body, somebody who got things done and didn't waste their life.

Now I'm going to eat the chocolate and watch telly...

Brangelina McFly

2007-11-29T20:56:00.000-08:00

When middle class types start adopting kids from the third world, celebrity types know that it's time to move on, orphanages are dirty and designer/novelty babies are too far off to consider. Forget Africa. Asia is so 2005, real stars know where the best kids are: The Past!

I bet you thought the past was only for storing your regret, that's why you're not famous. What better way to feel morally superior than by saving a poor little orphan from yesteryear?
"Ohh, your baby is Chinese? Cute, I rescued mine from a Bristol cotton factory in 1812. Yes, the living conditions were much, much worse back then, did you know he only ate once a week and was beaten repeatedly."

You'd have to hire a nanny of course, to beat your child while you're at work. It helps them feel at home, show's you respect the child's cultural heritage and all that. Plus, they're so cheap! You don't even have to pay in some situations, just nab them off the street! Who's going to believe the crazy bitch raving of a horseless carriage appearing on tracks of flame to take her baby?

These kids are so easy to impress as well, they never heard of TV. Experience the joy of dancing with the stars through their eyes!

Of course, you know some dipshit would just up and kidnap some historically significant baby. All it would take is some wiseguy adopting a W. Chruchill or John Connor and we're all sci-fi dust! The employees of this time travelling adoption agency would have to be screened thoroughly to prevent this kind of thing. Pray they don't fuck up their questionnaire!

The Book of Meow

2007-11-18T06:14:00.000-08:00

Get a load of this guy! He's having a religious experience!

Cats speaking in tongues? Surely this is a sign of the end times. How fortunate youtube user Pl4stoc documented this speech! Come, we must transcribe it to the Book of Meow and preserve it as a sacred text...I shall take my leave to ponder its mysteries...

Never be bored again!

2007-11-16T07:48:00.000-08:00

Are you sick of being bored to death by all the fuckwits around you? Are you fed up with walking to and from places with nothing but the metalic hum of the air conditioner (or air recyclers if you're on a space station) to listen to? Of course you are, you're an educated person!

Here at the Experience I am constantly thinking about you, how can I make your life better? If I had my way, there would be no gaps, your life would be a ceaseless torrent of entertainment and extreme emotions. It would be exhausting.

I present to you, the latest innovation in free - and most importantly Carbon Neutral Entertainment*. What is it? Why, it's Fun With Words!

SUGGESTION #1: Guess what time it is! Ort O'Clock!
People have been saying Eight for hundreds of years, enough is enough. Move over Grandpa cause we're a new generation and we wanna say Ort! Experiment with the shape of your O, I personally lean toward the "Ou-ert" side of things.

SUGGESTION #2: Press Ctrl+P to prant!
Stand out from the crowd, don't send things to the printer, send them to the pranter. Compliment your coworker on her pank blouse.

SUGGESTION #3: Don't you think it's time you started saying Tweesdag instead of Tuesday? I think it is!

I welcome your suggestions too, this is a team project after all, we're building a new dialect.

*if you are a robot or some kind of military computer, the carbon neutral aspect of this fun will be negated and you may have to plant a tree.

All My Possessions for a Desk Dress!

2007-11-12T09:30:00.000-08:00

To be, or A.O.B? That is the question...12 MKS please answer in the booklet provided

2007-11-12T05:35:00.000-08:00

A review of this morning's Applied Oral Biology exam.

Exams are funny because they take it so seriously, it's like going to meet the queen there's so much protocol...are we building a space shuttle? No, we're going to answer questions. They write things up on the board like "no calculators" yeah, okay...well why would I use a calculator in a biology exam? They didn't say "no doctors" so can I bring a doctor in?

For a 2 hour test there were plenty of questions and stuff to think about. During the reading time I felt comfortable I could decompress the data and show the test whose boss. That's usually how things go, it's not until you start answering that you realise there's gaps in your maps.

Because the subject was taught in 2 streams, there were 2 exam papers; one on Histology the other on Local Analgesia. Dr G taught Histology and Doctor T taught L.A. Let me just say this: The L.A. Section was harder and I didn't study for it. Hey, here's something else, Dr. T can suck my ass! Fuck this Willy Wonka dickhead, fucker doesn't even prepare notes for our lectures. He just draws on overhead projector sheets and later distributes his meaningless scribbles expecting us to know what the fuck he's talking about. That's just disrespectful, I'm sure he prepares notes for the Dentistry Students. So fuck you Dr T and your test.

Dr G on the other hand was good as always, I like your style Dr G, thanks for another good test, thanks for showing us the decency of preparing notes and teaching us properly.

VERDICT: Successssssssssssssssssssss!

You're my kind of Tube

2007-11-04T21:49:00.000-08:00

I uploaded a video to youtube recently that nobody will watch and nobody will find funny. But as I did a search for it, to see how hard it would be to find, I saw one that was kind of similar. It made me laugh and I have since developed a youtube crush on the guy who made it. Please to enjoy the following clips...

John Howard Surprise
Peter Costello can WHAT?!

The guy's name is unalive and you can visit and subscribe to his youtube channel here tell him I sent you!

Sluberfilm II: Judgement Day

2007-11-04T05:27:00.000-08:00

This dream focuses on my obsession with Gabriel's Trumpet and the end of the world. I know it's stupid, hell I'm even an athiest, but the book of revelations scares me because (as any fellow OCD enthusiast can testify) my life is ruled by uncertainty; I could very well be wrong wouldn't I be embarassed/damned?!

My paranoia about The Trumpet reached it's peak in 2002 while on work experience at a dentist. There I was setting up the surgery for a new patient when I heard it, faint though it was and I figured the distance "My god," I thought "The Trumpet is sounding!" I headed out to the office and realised that it was actually Phil Collins on the radio. That was a load off my mind, but the episode perhaps formed the basis for the dream I will now relate...

DREAM 2: THE RAPTURE (date unknown)
It was an accepted fact that Gabriel's Trumpet would go off any day now and all the hardworking, sensible people of the world (and me) had decided to devise contingencies and run practice drills for the event.

I had joined a team with the perfect plan for dealing with the rapture. There were 5 of us and we worked quite close to each other, I became a member when I heard of their plan and saw the poster our leader had. On the poster were detailed instructions, picutres, maps and an explaination of what heaven was going to be like - we all agreed it was the place to be. A reliable source had told us this plan was flawless and our entry into heaven was guaranteed. Apparently ascension is more about technique than morality, so take note: Churchgoers!

The Plan: Upon the sounding of The Trumpet we would meet on a street corner and hurry to the underground sewer tunnel! We would then get in the waiting van, and drive at high speed in reverse, jumping over the abandoned couch(???!?!?!!) at one end of the tunnel near a blocking grate.

After a few false alarms the real deal was upon us! This was not a drill, The Trumpet split the air and we exploded into purposeful action, downing tools and speeding to battle stations in a scene that would look excellent in slowmotion. We managed to jump the couch with nearly no time to spare. There was a bright flash of white and suddenly we were...still in the van. Huh?! We sat in the van, looking at eachother, perplexed. We emerged from the sewer tunnel and walked through lonesome, empty streets to our leader's house to mull it over.

The poster from before now turned out to be the box for some fucking boardgame and this moron had severely misunderstood it. There was much arguing over what these red dots on the back of the box meant but we eventually discovered they were just showing the location of the great barrier reef. So we were stuck in limbo, ghosts or something. A team member tried to send a text but his hand went transparent and the phone fell to the floor and silence filled the room. Next came the horrible realisation we were stuck on the empty Earth together...forever.

DIRECTOR'S COMMENTARY: In fact I am certain the song on the radio was "Solid Rock" by Goanna, I have however failed to find the version with the extended intro that sounded like The Trumpet in the distance. In the interest of avoiding confusion I said it was "In The Air Tonight" by Australia's Uncle: Philip Collins.

Slumberfilms.

2007-11-02T03:27:00.000-07:00

As you know, I dream well and my eventide hallucinations have won many awards. I dream better than most people live, that's just the way it is, don't beat yourself up about it.

Frankly, I feel terrible about abandonning you during my semester 2 wind-down, and I'm still unable to post anything new, but I've dug into the wet folds of memory and pulled out 2 dreams that I think are entertaining enough for you: the Internet Reader. These dream decompressions were taken from an online conversation I had with my good friend Tim, who you should read at QueerVegan. So let's all get a stiff drink, and settle into the majesty of my subconscious.

DREAM 1: SHOPPING...FOR CARNAGE!.........IN SPACE!!!(date unknown)
So there I was in space, on a ship full of idiots, I hated the fact I was travelling on this ship, with these fucking morons. The ship's interior was 70s minimalist, it was beige and cushioned everywhere, we were all dressed in matching uniforms like Wesley Crusher. The main area was a long room with a low ceiling that curved down at the edges and narrow windows. We recieved a truly ominous transmission, the speakers let out a low almost inaudible rumble, with the occasional raspy scratching sound...it was pure dread. The rest of the crew got excited and crowded around a window at the far end of the room near the airlock. I bent over to look out the low slit window.

"Ooooh, an alien ship!" said one of the girls, and the crew started tittering about how jolly swell it was. I was astonished they could think that. I looked out at the broadcasting ship, a menacingly designed black thing and I knew it was the aliens.

I fucking hit the deck sharpish, crawling under the windows so the aliens wouldn't see me, Charles Manson was coming to the Brady's for dinner and I was damn well gonna preserve myself. The rumbling transmission continued as the morons bounced up and down in front of the airlock while the alien's barbed phallus of a ship docked with the SS Ikea. The knowlege that there was no Sigourney Weaver on board became chillingly real when the aliens burst through the door and the screams of my crew joined the horrible rumbling transmission.
It was a massacre, I got up and ran though I can't really say where, the dream hadn't made a complete layout of the ship and I seemed to be running up and down the main room, somehow escaping a disembowelment. And then of course the ship became a shopping mall and now its fun. The Aliens were still killing people, but I knew I wouldn't be caught, the mall was full of people and maybe 8 aliens were terrorising them under the leadership (?) of one awesome looking gold alien. This gold fellow started...well...he was excreting these things that looked like this:
The aliens started to use them at first but I cottoned on. I would scramble towards one with an alien at my back, get on and be flung way up into the air, thrown up 4 levels! In order to use one you had to sit on the tip and let it slide into your bum, FREUD ALERT!! This was a great time, bouncing around the shopping mall, flying up 4 stories at a time. Eventually, a band appeared out the front of a gift shop and the aliens calmed down.

That took longer than expected! But don't worry, I'll be back next time with the second dream that involves Gabriel's Trumpet!

more like Maslow's Pyramid of Schemes!

2007-10-30T01:16:00.000-07:00

Oh my, it's been a while. Come, let us take up the blogging organ once more, and sweep away the cobwebs and the dust that has settled...

Today I slept on the bus and I believe I discovered the ultimate position for doing so. The window seat of the row just before the rear exit. I set myself up with a rolled jumper and I was in heaven, no neck strain, nothing. These kinds of things - finding small comforts or safe spaces really make me feel good. No doubt this is indicative of the level of my emotional development, or my position on Maslow's Hierarchy of needs™.

I enhance my sleeping experience by imagining that I am in an escape pod, floating through space. That or the one where I'm the last surviving member of a research post on an ice planet, and I have to shut the station down and retreat to a small area at the heart of the facility and wait for the rescue squad.

I should not have admitted that! But getting back to the point at hand...the bus trip today and my sleep position discovery was the most interesting thing that's happened to me since we last talked! I'm engaged in the clusterfuck of semester 2 wind down and I have no life anymore :/

Speak to you soon, after the exams....pray for me.

Are you sick of not being able to breathe, eat food or drink water? Does security seem like a far off dream? You can change your situation! Introducing the Maslow System:

Earn thousands of dollars a week!
Work from Home!
Sexual intimacy!
and more!

Plato's Cave

2007-10-19T03:36:00.000-07:00

The upper floor of the Oral Health Centre (uni) is where the IT department lives. They're an old fashioned IT department because they have white guys and a real life Guru with a pony tail and errrrvrythin! Anyway, they've got a sign on their door that reads "Exit From Plato's Cave" with an arrow pointing into the office. What the hell, right? Well, that mystery was dispelled this morning when they posted an extract from wikipedia.

Apparently Plato wrote an allegory about a cave, where people from a very young age had been chained in place; their limbs and head completely immobilised and facing a wall. Behind them is a fire and a walkway trafficked by people who carried cutout shapes of animals. Plato says that the sillhouettes moving on the wall would be their whole world, and they would talk of nothing else, these people would judge the quality of their neighbours by seeing who could come up with the best names quickly and dislike those who were crap at it.

Exactly why Plato chose to write about this is anybody's guess, stupid greek weirdo. But it makes me smile to know that's what the IT department thinks of the facilitiy. That studying dental things at the oral health centre is like being chained to the floor of a cave, staring at shadows. Guru's...I couldn't agree more.

The Ghost of Jaundice Past

2007-10-17T07:49:00.000-07:00

As you may or may not know, I was born by Caesarean section like the late Julius Caesar who invented the procedure while still in the womb and then delivered himself in this fashion. (NOTE: Technically this was an 'Inverse Caesarian' as it was performed from the inside). According to the legend my Mum wanted to go to a wedding around my due date and decided to get proactive RE: childbirth. Now, as funny as that story is, it's probably not true, but I've always known I was born early and by surgical means.

Recently, I asked my Mum about my time of birth, and in the course of conversation she told me that I was in an incubator and I had fucking JAUNDICE! Jaundice! Apparently this is common, but it shocked me. I mean, it happened at the beginning of my life before I could possibly remember, it's so disconnected from the image I have of myself and my history...where I came from. It's confronting knowledge, and it feels like a story from someone else's past.

It gets worse. On the bus today, I talked with an acquaintence, he's an occupational therapist or something. I made a joke about falling asleep on the bus and hitting my head on the window and out of nowhere he says "were you a premature baby?" Huh?! He says prem babies are often clumsy and you know me, I can't lie to an Occupational Therapist! I came clean and the details started flowing "tell me more..."

As this guy started outlining qualities of premature babies, he was basically recapping my early childhood! Yes, I took a long time to learn how to tie my shoelaces! I held the pen in an unorthodox way! He said he can pick the premmies on site when he goes into a school. Sure, that's all interesting but it cut a bit close to the bone...was there something hiding in my past? Something I'd overlooked all these years...w...was I retarded?!

The past is a monster, and I feel as if I'm about to wrestle it. In the 3rd grade I remember being in an advanced english class. My only memory of the lessons is the teacher giving us a way to spell beautiful "boy eats apple until tummy is ful (sic)." Sure, it works but it doesn't sound like "Advanced English." In this new light, I had to reassess things. Was I kidding myself, was I actually in special english?

Ahhhh! It's so disquieting! This is like being patted on the head by the universe "Good for you! You've done well for a premature baby! Maybe one day, you'll be able to live in your own appartment and buckle your own belt."

Pathology

2007-10-16T05:01:00.000-07:00

Aahhh, the world of Pathology, with all its hilarious diseases! We had a pathology test today and it was another cramming success story. I can't see why anybody would study responsibly.

At the risk of saying Pathology too much, I can't wait 'til we go to the Path museum on Friday! It's gonna be a scre-um! But now it's time for me to be frank for a moment. This is not the University experience I had anticipated. The course is almost entirely full of idiots that I don't relate to. It feels like highschool being around these bimbos all day talking about boys and what they're going to wear on the weekend. Is this a university? You get very little say in anything, and it's a case of follow the rules, yes miss, no miss. May I go to the toilet miss?

I should have done an arts degree, the money better be fucking worth it.

Advance Suburbia Fair!

2007-10-15T09:24:00.000-07:00

The Book of the New Sun (Review #1)

2007-10-13T23:38:00.000-07:00

So I finished reading the book of the new sun today and I'm pretty pleased with myself for doing so. Not that it's a chore to read, it's just long. Case in point:
Too big to eat. Weighed together the books total 500 grams! That's some heavy reading, literally.

I find it difficult to review this book actually, I know now - as I knew when I finished the first volume - that it's going to be a book I'll read a number of times before they take me to the morgue. So, let's proceed with the knowledge that this is the first of many reviews.

The story is that of Severian, a Journeyman of the guild of torturers. He is raised by the guild and lives a fairly sheltered life in the old Citadel, until he is cast out for crossing a line (who knew that Torturers would be so unctuous). He leaves his home, through the ancient city of Nessus, and into the world beyond. The tale is set so far in the future that the Sun is dying and has dimmed to a point where the stars are visible during the day. The moon is green, covered in forests planted in an age, when Mankind's empire spanned the stars. What technology they had for journeying among the galaxies has been long forgotten, and they are all stuck on old planet Urth.

Severian comes to possess a jewel that can sometimes revive the dead, though sometimes it does not, and in the end it may not be the jewel at all. There are creatures and plants from other worlds, that have found niches on our own, like the Alzabo, which gains the memories and voices of it's victims. It is through the Alzabo that Severian comes to inherit the memories of his former lover Thecla. He befriends the cyborg Jonas, a "sailor" who is most probably an alien. And is idolised/worshipped and very nearly killed by the freakishly inspired character of Hethor, an intriguing creation, also a "sailor" who can summon horrors with his "mirrors."

Severian boasts (almost once a chapter) that he forgets nothing, but there are a few instances where he slips up and I know that is on purpose, but what does it mean?

The whole thing is quite confusing, as the author has chosen to use archaic words for many things in the book. He is ostensibly translating this manuscript "from a tongue which has not yet achieved existence" and used words that closely resembled what he felt the text was describing. Yet, he cautions that these words are suggestive not definitive. This combined with Severian's vague narration makes it very hard to tell what the fuck is going on.

Having said that, its not as bad as Dune, which was so dense with incomprehensible bullshit terms that it felt like I was reading machine code.

At points there are chunks of truly poetic writing that moved me, and overall it is written with an amazing level of skill, I wish this book had an Author's Commentary feature. The characters all seem to be burdened with symbolism, allusions to myths and classical texts, references I just don't understand. And there are many stories within the book, most taken from "The Book of Urth and Sky" that Severian carries, and I know they hold some clue as to what is going on, though what I cannot determine. I have read this story and enjoyed it deeply, but know it holds a great many rooms I am yet to unlock.

VERDICT: Thoroughly, majorly, intensely recommended reading.

When Harry Met Eve

2007-10-12T05:49:00.000-07:00

It seems that everytime you hear about HIV infections they're on the rise, this is a real problem for people who don't have HIV, because it makes it harder for them to continue their lifestyle of not dying horribly.

As someone who is relentlessly paranoid about catching this disease, I have thought often that it would be best if the HIV positives of the world would just stop having sex and leave the rest of us alone. That would be ideal of course, but it's unethical and not practical, it impinges on the freedom of all those involved, both the positive and negative people, it should obviously be a choice between consenting adults. Mind you, given the choice, the majority - the vast almost complete majority - would choose not to have sex with someone if they knew they were HIV+ve. But that's the rub isn't it? You can't ever be sure if anyone is carrying HIV. Unless...you were to go back in time and do it with the first humans...

You could be totally certain of their HIV status and throw caution to the wind. But if we were to start a kind of pastwise sex tourism industry, we'll undoubtedly end up infecting our ancestors, compounding the original sin. Such a thing would be a betrayal...a perversion of the worst kind, similar to the effects of Europeans colonising the new world. But with much further reaching implications. It would either result in our predecessors developing an immunity to the virus or - as is far more likely - it would wipe us out, Back to the Future style, all for the pleasure of some modern hpyochondriac. Great Scott!

It's your ABC (boner)

2007-10-09T03:05:00.000-07:00

As you probably guessed, I have a raging ABC boner at the moment, I was overcome last night after watching Media Watch then Enough Rope. They've been in the zone lately, I think Summer Heights High was a good move for them. Jonah is actually pretty lame and Ja'mie isn't that funny, but Mr. G is great I can't wait to see his musical (below).

And now there's this new show called librarians...

Haha! Nice one ABC, I like what you're doing. Of course there's always the excellent Lateline and 7.30 report! But enough about TV, let's talk games.

There's this one called Warning Forever! and you can download it here and it's a shooter. I have spent a long time playing Raiden 2 and Raiden DX and they're some of my all time favourite games, this one is a varation on that kind of shooter except it's made up entirely of boss fights. Each new enemy is larger and more complicated, they're modular in design they're never in the same sequence, so they're either randomly generated or the game responds to the way you play. You can aim your fire with a beam, it takes some getting used to but it's quite addictive overall. Why don't you download it!? Whyyyyyyyyyyyy?!

Here I am aiming with a beam!

Oh shit!

Also, I like the word Cardaprin, a half strength asprin derrivitive blood thinner. Say it...it's such a dry, stiff sounding word. Delicious!

So I went to a party on the weekend.

2007-10-08T03:50:00.000-07:00

And it wouldn't be a party if I didn't embarass myself now, would it? It was thrown (in part) by my friend the lovely Miss Sarah*, the rest of the party was thrown by her flatmate Helen*. It was one of the better parties I've been too because everyone there was willing to introduce and be introduced...it was inducive!

Just off the top of my head there were 5 people (not including the hostesses) that I talked to and had a good time with! And there was 2 people I found pretty boring, and 1 person who I actually hated.

He was from Europe...one of those nordic countries, I forget which. And it started out looking like a promising conversation, but quickly devolved into him talking up his own education. It was less like talking to a person and more like being pulled toward a vortex of whirling blades. He was a pompous fucktard, who thought it was somehow relevant to tell me he went to an ivy league school and to reveal his low opinion of a colleague who asked for more money even though he had an "inferior" double degree. He was one of those people who is constantly competing with everyone rather than relating to them. I felt that by talking to him I had entered into some kind of competition for supremacy, and that I was losing.

The rest of the night was lovely though, I talked to an amazing lady that was a psychologist and had a breezy chat with the lovely miss Sarah* and her friends and I felt like a human being again, rather than a jousting dummy.

*not their actual names

Let's go back in a time machine! Time machine! Time machine!

2007-10-07T08:04:00.000-07:00

Words cannot describe how funny this is...just...just watch

A Week of Words - Part 7 (finale!)

2007-10-06T23:43:00.001-07:00

Sunday is a weird one, I don't know about you but I can feel Sunday in my body, it is like a fog that surrounds and gradually seeps into you, changing your perception. Sunday is the most noticeable day of all.

The ancient Egyptians are given credit for our current week system, they named each day for the planet that was ascending in the sky at the day's beginning. There were only 7 planets then and the sun and moon were counted among them. The rest of the planets were invented in the 19th century by Herbert Pluto and Sir Douglas Mars, brilliant industrialists of the steam age.

The men were fierce rivals and were constantly duking it out. Pluto - a keen astronomer announced he had begun constructing an entire planet in his Bristol fabrication plant. Mars accepted the challenge. Planetary manufactre was seen as the greatest test of their abilities and the warring industrialists launched headlong into a stretch of fevered innovation and engineering breakthroughs, the great Victorian Space Race was underway.

6 years and many thousand tonnes of Iron and Chalk later, Pluto and Mars were completed only days apart. The 2 planets were carried to the countryside on engine powered platforms. Early on its journey, Mars' planet broke it's straps and rolled down a hill crushing the village of Breddingley, it was seen however as a worthwhile sacrifice. The 2 planets were fired from enourmous cannons in Billingsgate and Ipstones on August 15 1890, the explosions shook the earth and rattled glasses in Parisian taverns. Though Pluto managed to fire his planet further into space, it was the much wealthier Douglas Mars who won the Queen's favour and was knighted the following year.

Furious, Henry Pluto sought to trump Mars and commited himself to sending a man to his planet and restore his honour. Mars taunted Pluto publicly, suggesting he step into the cannon himself. Pluto responded that it was at least an option, and not even the World Cannons employed in the space race could hold a man as monstrously fat as Sir Douglas Mars. In the end it was Ian Browne, that was chosen for the historic flight and he was packed into a glass sphere with provisions and a logbook, the glass was designed to shatter on impact with the planet, but unfortunately it smashed when the cannon was fired. Much was made of it in the press at the time and everyone assumed Pluto's career was over. However the following year he was hired by the church to develop the technology for sending missionaries to alien worlds. But I digress...

Sunday is named after the Sun, and this holds true for most cultures, it is the day of the sun the world over. It illustrates the Egyptian connection too, as Ra was their most revered god. Today we look at the Sun differently but it is by no means any less important. Every erg of energy in every action on this planet has come from the Sun, you owe it your every moment. Though we know it now to be a ball of gas, it is the closest thing we have to a god in the real world.

A Week of Words - Part 6

2007-10-06T02:29:00.000-07:00

Saturn has a planet and a day of the week named after him! How'd he do it you ask? Well, he was actually a brutal son of a bitch. Let's get one thing straight first of all, Saturn is the name of the Roman god, but the Greeks called him Cronos, and he belonged to that group called the Titans, who predate the gods. The offspring of Uranus the embodiment of the sky and Gaia the embodiment of the Earth, he castrated his father and killed him seizing power and becoming ruler of the universe!

His dead father informed Cronos (Saturn) from beyond the grave that he would suffer the same fate and be overthrown by his own son! And you know what prophecies are like, they're so vague! Not wanting to take any chances, Cronos (Saturn) just went ahead and ate all his children at birth. Fresh babies!

His wife though, had had enough and fled to Crete to give birth to their fifth and sixth children, you may have heard of them...Zeus and Poseidon! She tricked Cronos (Saturn) by presenting him a rock wrapped in swaddling cloth, telling him it was their son. Rhea (that's his wife) got a lot of mileage out of this trick and did it for Poseidon, only this time it was a swaddled goat.

The rest is history! I would really suggest you read this, that's where I'm getting all my information and its fucking awesome! What a story! There's all sorts of gods and heavenly bodies squirting out of these people, its fascinating!

The day the Romans knew as Dies Saturni, we know as Saturday and we mark it with our own private "Golden Age" by getting mashed.

The Moon Descends...

2007-10-05T14:20:00.000-07:00

Here's a picture I drew of some kind of moon goddess/monster person...

I haven't drawn tits before, I'm not sure if I did a good job...fabric is hard to draw too. I like the idea of her body becoming a dress though, that's interesting. I'll try do a masculine version later. What do you think though?!

A Week of Words - Part 5

2007-10-05T14:19:00.001-07:00

We made it! To use the vernacular: Thank god it's Friday...but which god? Freyja actually! Freyja is/was the goddess of fertility, marriage and love no less! We can assume that it was Freyja that Robert Smith of the Cure was singing to in his song, Friday I'm in love.

In one of the Viking stories, the Giant King stole Thor's hammer and would only return it in exchange for Freyja's hand in marriage. But that kinda shit doesn't fly with Freyja! Freyja was all like "Thor, here's my feather robe, go to the land of Giants disguised as me and fuck them giants up!" Freyja being a beautiful woman fits well with everybody's love of Friday...it feels right to have a benevolent attractive woman presiding over this joyous time of week..I wonder what she thinks of us on the weekend when some of us choose to get munted.

Frejya in the Old English was known as Frigg and consequently the day was Frīgedæg, which interestingly is related to the Old English word Fréo meaning Free! So it's free day!

A Week of Words - Part 4

2007-10-05T14:18:00.001-07:00

Well I for one am glad Thursday is over! This week has been less than excellent, and its time to finish the fight!

Today we honour Thor, god of thunder and the strongest of them all. Thor had a hammer which he banged in the morning and in the evening all over the land of Þrúðheimr. But he wasn't hammering out love between the brothers and the sisters...oh no, he was hammering out the faces of the Giants!

"Fuckin Giants, I'm so sick of their shit."
-Thor to his wife in the Prose Edda

It works out nice that Thor is the son of Odin, making him yesterday's child. Reading over the wikipedia entry for Thor, it makes him sound like he's from a videogame. His magical hammer can throw lightning bolts (main attack - press A), and when thrown it returns to him (special attack - press B). Look for these powerups: Megingjord belt, increases strength!

Many years ago I was to learn that Thursday meant "Thor's Day" and I liked that idea. I have never forgotten it and I never even suspected the rest of the days had similar backstories.

Thor was known as Þunor in Old English. Þunresdæg, meaning the day of Þunor, known in Modern English as Thursday. Þunor is also the source of the modern word thunder.

A Week of Words - Part 3

2007-10-05T14:16:00.001-07:00

Wednesday or as some people call it "Hump Day" is not in actual fact named after a hump or a wednes. Also, people who use the term "Hump Day" are the kinds of people you should avoid.

Wednesday, almost suffers the same fate of Tuesday but is spared from complete boringness by the fact that it's in the middle and we can let ourselves hope...we can hope now, that the week will be over before too long and this awful soulless grind will relinquish it's hold on us. "Just two more days" we chant "two more..."

This day is the day we honour Odin, the father King of the gods! He has a similar position to Zeus that is to say, he's important. Why give him this shitty day then? Perhaps the Vikings liked this time of week how the hell should I know?! It is interesting though that in this ostensibly christian society, we don't honour our own deity with even one day of the week! There's a whole range of characters that are going ignored, Maryday, Chrisday, Yah-day (that's one for the biblical scholars out there, yo!) I think it says a lot. The Icelandic gods were full of life, and the people embraced them, though the Vikings are all gone now, their gods their spiritslive on. The Christian faith is a hollow political perversion of a simple ideal, it is dead at its heart.

Anyway, I don't know that much about Odin I'm afraid, he gave up 1 eye for a higher form of sight I believe, but that's where my knowledge ends. Why don't you look him up if you're so in love with him?

Odin was called Woden in Olde English and so his day was Woden's Day, do the math! We ended up with Wednesday!

A Week of Words - Part 2

2007-10-05T14:15:00.001-07:00

The more cunning among you would have realised that this is a cheap trick to get me posting on a daily basis, but I doubt anyone is actually reading this, so the joke's on you!

Tuesday, perhaps the most nothing day of all. We now realise that the week is not going to go away, and the cycle proper is underway, it is in a sense a serious day. It is perhaps fitting then that we offer this day to Tyr, the Norse god who represents self discipline and the restraining of violence to just causes.

When the gods were warned the wolf Fenris would kill thier father Odin, they sought to bind him with heavy chains. The wolf however, eager to prove his strength broke whatever chain they tried. Finally they tried a magic ribbon made by dwarves that was certain to hold him. The wolf was suspicious of their promise to unbind him if he couldn't free himself and agreed only to let them try if one would place their hand inside his mouth. It was Tyr alone who offered his right hand, in sacrifice, the stump of his wrist would be known ever after as the "wolf joint."

While you tapped away at your keyboard or shovelled coal into the furnace (I don't know or care what you do), you were no doubt unaware that any of this had happened, that Tyr had stepped up to the plate and given his right hand so you could watch cheap movies. You ungrateful bastard! Hail Tyr!

If for some reason you don't like Norse gods, you may choose to think of today as Mars' day, as the Romans associated Tyr with their own god Mars, the god of war. But...I suggest you get used to the Viking deities, or the rest of the week is going to be a problem for you!

Tuesday - from the old English Tīwes daeg, meaning Tyr's Day. This morphed into the Middle English Tiu's day and eventually Tuesday!

DIRECTOR'S COMMENTARY: Just for fun I like to say Twiesday or Twiestaeg("tweesday" "tweesdag"). Why not try that next week!?

A Week of Words - Part 1

2007-10-05T14:13:00.001-07:00

Well fuck me, I just love words! We use them unthinkingly all the time but should we stop to think about it, words are spells and to speak is to weave magic. Our alchemist tongues transform grunts into sparkling gems of meaning that cross the rift between minds.

It's interesting that with my fascination with words, I tend to speak in a most uninspired way. My daily vocabulary is basic and I tend to rely on a few common lexemes. I spend a lot of time looking up the origins and etymology of words and I extract a visceral enjoyment from that, it makes my innards gooey to learn where a word has come from - to understand it more. Yet, I find it difficult to add new items to my everyday word-list, that's something I'd like to change.

The words we think of as mundane can be a source of wonder too, I'd like to bore you all now with a small basic example of etymology of perhaps the most invisible words of all: the days of the week, and what better place to start than here on a Monday.

Nobody likes Mondays, you have to go back to work, back to school, it's the end of freedom and we must all strap ourselves back onto the wheel. But consider this, today is the day we honour The Moon. For nameless aeons, She's been with us, our only companion in the yawning void. She rules our oceans and is said to drive men mad. Her habit of waxing and shedding herself every 4 weeks informed our method of keeping time, without her we'd be lost among the years. This skybound jewel is with us always, look up tonight! See her, the ancient glowing Goddess!

Monday - from the Old English mōn(an)dæg meaning literally "day of the Moon"

OCD Technique 6 - The Coin Arc

2007-10-05T14:09:00.001-07:00

Money! Money! Money! Money! I have so much money and its out of control, just look at how messy it is!

Disgusting! How can I ever hope to present it to my friends?! Or even count it accurately!?
Oh no!

If you're sick of this shit too, then you should adopt the practice of Coin Arcing. This is a fairly recent OCD Technique, one that I developed while waiting for a train, so you might want to try it there too...if you're a purist.

To begin, arrange the coins in an arc accross your palm in decreasing order of size. If you've got a lot of coins, you may want to set up more than one arc. I've had a lot of practice so I'm able to fit them into one big arc, one day you may be able to do that too. So, how's it look when its all wrapped up?

Doesn't that look magnificent? I find it's the most professional way to present coins to your workmates, why not try it out at the workplace, who knows, you might get that raise you've been after!

Stardust memories...

2007-10-05T14:06:00.000-07:00

Originally when I saw the trailer for stardust, I went on a roller-coaster ride of emotions! First of all it was "oh, here we go cashing in on the harry potter trend, are we? People will lap up any old shit with magic in it eh, Paramount!?" Then it was, "hmmmm, this looks good," and eventually, "holy shit I wanna watch this!" And so, by sheer force of will...I realised that dream.

I can't actually think of anything bad to say about this movie, I left the theatre feeling inspired which is always a good sign (hopefully I'll be able to get some writing done tonight)!
The great thing about fantasy is that it doesn't have to be realistic, you can chuck a whole bunch of magic in there and let all sorts of interesting shit happen. In a way that's like a get out of jail free card, it lets you deploy the Deus Ex Machine™ with ease, characters stuck in the clouds? Don't worry, here's a flying pirate ship! That's awesome! Fantasy allows you to get away with that kind of thing, but you can't just go crazy, it has to make some kind of sense. That's what I really liked about Stardust, it follows the mystical, mythical logic of fairy tales. The chick is a star, and the witches want to eat her heart so they can live forever! Fantastic!

Other than that, it's expertly balanced, the pace is right on the money, the characters are well drawn and even though it has traces of "epic story" in it, it still has a laugh. Stardust is funny, and not in a "ho-ho-ho, you crazy hobbits" kind of way, it made me laugh for real. Also, how hot is Charlie Cox? The correct answer is: very!

So, you should go ahead and watch it, because you have nothing to fear, this is money well spent.

I'm In The Mood for Love (but love's not in the mood for me)

2007-10-05T13:52:00.000-07:00

For a long time in my life I was convinced that I had actually gone crazy. This was mostly due to my hypochondria, it was easy to convince myself that I had this or that psychological condition. For a while it was schizophrenia and I'm still pretty sure that I'm autistic. This kind of thing was going on for years and I had an intense desire to be normal...that's all I wanted, I didn't want to over analyse everything anymore, I didn't wanna feel crazy anymore, and the feeling that I had somehow done everything wrong in my development had come to weigh me down so much that I lost all hope of ever getting my shit together.

You can imagine my relief then when I actually fell in love with someone! I thought that was pretty fantastic, I'd done something normal! I took this as a sign that I wasn't crazy or psychopathic, because it was a fairly high level emotion. It may sound like I'd put a lot of stock in this 'falling in love' caper, but honestly at the time (and even now) I don't think that I was using it as a catharsis or anything I didn't think "all my problems are over! Love conquers all! Julia roberts!" It just happened. Okay sure, it happened in the weirdest way possible but hey, it wasn't a problem for me!

Needless to say, the love didn't work out...I didn't really know how to do it, and I found myself in a new city, I got clingy and that's never a good thing. But he also was a bit of a prick, so it's not 100% my fault. In the end I was left with a broken heart and almost no social support network (except for his friends :/). Eventually I was able to acknowledge and accept my part in it, which helped a lot. Though to this day, years later I don't think I've gotten over it. You can imagine how stupid I feel about that.

Recently I found myself getting feelings for a guy I dated twice...it was ridiculous, I laid my cards on the table and he wasn't interested. I keep falling for people who have no interest in me and I think actually that's what I find attractive about them. The simple fact of the matter is I have no idea what I'm doing emotionally and I need some help. I'm going to get counselling. I'm sick of falling to bits over rejection...my ticker can't take it anymore.

DIRECTOR'S COMMENTARY: For a while after I told the guy how I felt, things were good. He told me everything I wanted to hear and I lapped it up like a desperate puppy. But, eventually it kept creeping back into my mind...he hadn't told me definitely one way or the other. I told him that I couldn't speak to him anymore and deleted him from my life. I have had to socially delete 2 people since moving back to Perth.

Jeff-POLE's-Musical-POLE-of the-POLEof the-POLES (updated)

2007-10-05T13:49:00.000-07:00

What martian?! Really?! Where? I didn't see a martian!

I went to the War of the Worlds on Saturday, it was a birthday present to myself. I must hate myself though, because I got myself a really shitty seat and that's pretty much what I saw, there was a gigantic truss in the middle of the screen obscuring all the multimedia action.

The show was lame actually and the main reason for that is the source material. Don't get me wrong I love the first half ofJeff Wayne's MVoHGWWotW, but the second half really has no musical value, and there's no OOO-LAAAs in it. The production didn't seem to know what it was, is it a stage play? Is it a concert? There was no distinction made one way or the other, the band took up most of the stage, and there wasn't anything in the way of sets, save for the bridge that came down during the artilleryman's fantasy sequence.

Before the show, this hideous pair of women sat behind me and yammered on and on about nothing whatever, it was clear they were just talking for the sake of producing soundwaves. What's hilarious though, is that one of them dropped her programme behind the seat next to mine and though the woman infront of her handed it back, the 3D glasses were inaccessible "oh, never mind," she says "I've got heaps of 3D glasses at home anyway" hahah! I bet you do! This got even funnier when she recognised one of the actors from Hey Dad!

Even with all the stupid stuff that was wrong with it I still got goosebumps in the opening string attack and the OOO-LAAAAAAAAAs in The Artilleryman And The Fighting Machine. I should not admit this but I actually started getting teary during Tunderchild :/ damn you, the voice of humanity!!!

If you haven't heard it, I'd recommend downloading the first disc of the album, its pretty awesome and was a chief source of terror in my childhood.

Update: You can hear Thunderchild online actually! click here or go to www.thewaroftheworlds.com.au and select thunderchild from the drop down menu in the top right! Haha, I love the narration at the end!

Saturn 2: The Return!!!

2007-10-05T13:44:00.000-07:00

I was reading my horoscopes this morning and got spooked. Saturn, a planet known for being difficult has dragged itself back into Virgo, my Birthsign - a place it hasn't been for approximately 30 years. Now, normally I'll read both Libra and Virgo because I was born on the cusp and that allows me to pick whichever prediction I prefer, but...today...no, today I felt that I was stuck with Saturn.

I am worried (worried worried) that this means I'm having my Saturn return...or that it is looming not far ahead, Saturn moves slowly after all and by the time I'm 27 it should be exactly where it was when I was erm...C-sectioned, its ancient face staring down on me unchanged by the 30 years it took to go and come again. While I, am changed forever, the product of my many choices, worn by the years.

Years ago I could have written this off as superstition, but I've changed. Mainly because I lived with Natalie, a woman of high impact, who, incidentally taught me about the Saturn return. Recent events* have caused me to re-evaluate myself and my behaviour, it's been painful, and it's likely to get more-so, but Saturn will teach me how to be a man.

*DIRECTOR'S COMMENTARY: I'm more or less referring to my neuroses about that guy I dated. I had at this point decided to confront him with the idea that I had very strong feelings for him...we had gone on 2 (rather sparkless dates) and fooled around in his car. He wasn't calling me and I couldn't understand why. "Aren't I hot!? What's wrong with me!?" And we all know how attractive that is.

Nintendoclastic Process

2007-10-05T13:40:00.000-07:00

When I was 7 years old, something happened to me and I was forever changed. I was at the house of my cousin's friend Jimmy and I'll never forget it. What happened to me? Super fucking MARIO BROTHERS! that's what! It was this amazing experience that flipped a switch in my brain and it reset the clock! "This 'nintendo' thing is surely forged from The Divine Substance!" I said, which is unusual for a 7 year old.

Nintendo got their hooks into me and they will stay there for life, I'll desperately wait for their next Zelda, Metroid, Mario, they've got me. From this point on, I'd be devoted to Nintendo, I became a fanboy, defending their honour in the playground and believing all their press releases and magozines. It all seemed very important at the time of course, but it's embarrassing now and this is my blog so we won't get into specifics. Suffice to say that I wrote letters to Nintendo of Australia.

No doubt I imagined it was some kind of Wonka factory situation, but now in the cold, withering light of adulthood I see this is not the case. Nintendo of Australia is nothing more than some retarded "officette." A guy in a packing crate with an old rotary phone and grease stains all over his shirt. All they do is negotiate a number of units and where they're going. Nintendo of Japan (NCL) is the brains of the entire operation and they make all the software, hardware and control the direction of the company, the regional branches take their orders from it.

But the regional branches have autonomy in how they want to market the products and presumably this is why they exist in the first place, to understand the local market. And this is what annoys me so much, Nintendo Australia chooses to sit in their office and play solitaire instead of actually do work. Let's compare and contrast the actions of Nin. America and Nin. Australia shall we?

What US Office Did
Produced and brodcast a series of television advertisements.
What Aust Office Did
Overdubbed those commercials with Australian voices and increases the price of the hardware (compared to US equivalent).
US Office
Ensures release of software before, shortly after or concurrent with Japanese versions.
Aust Office
Allows delays of over 5 months between US release and Australian release, then charges significantly more than the US equivalent price.
US Office
Digital delivery of demo videos directly to hardware to promote upcoming AAA title Metroid Prime 3
Aust Office
Nothing.

I'm so sick of their incompetence, the long delays continue to happen and there's no need for it. If you ask me, Australia and Britain should be absorbed into the American market, as it stands now Australia is part of the European market. WTF?!! Europe!?

But Kiiiiiiiiiittttt, you caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan't absorb Australia into the US market because of the TV standards! Yes there is a difference. In America they use NTSC while Australia and much of Europe use PAL. However any television sold in the last 10 years here will be capable of NTSC playback, you'd be hard pressed to find a telly in use that is PAL only. If the UK and Australia were absorbed into the US market, a small team could be established to carry out any conversion to PAL that is required, any cost of this would be negated by the benefits of expanding the potential market by a few million potential sales.

Here's another reason why it makes more sense for us to be in the US market: One language. When a game is released in a different country it needs to be "localised" this includes translating the text or dialogue and changing any cultural references so they make sense. Perfectly understandable. But at present Australia and the UK- countries that speak English exclusively - must wait for the game to be translated into French, German, Spanish etc etc. Why? Must we wait for the UK English translation?
AUSTRALIAN END USER: Color? WTF is that?! What!? What's a cookie?! It seems to be similar to a biscuit but I don't wanna take any chances! I just don't understand this strange yankee dialect!!!!

Nintendo of Australia continues to drag its knuckles and behave in a complacent, lazy fashion. You will often hear the argument that Australia is a small market and it isn't financially viable to invest any time into it. I suggest it is small and insignificant because of the attitudes of those people who work here, the continued inaction of branch offices of the hardware manufacturers.

The Great Chain of Industry Ties and Unites Us All

2007-10-05T13:37:00.000-07:00

This year, John Howard will lose his job as Prime Minister. He knows it, Kevin Rudd knows it, everyone in the country knows it. While most people are happy about this, "the national business action council" are worried. They're worried in a 1950's red menace kind of way and it's absolutely hilarious. They've spent god knows how many millions of dollars (possibly from the government) on these classic ads warning us against the dangers of losing the employer centric "WorkChoices" laws John Howard shoved through parliament. Just when you thought it was safe to go back to wearing top-hats and buying orphans for tuppence to work in your textile mills, along come THE UNIONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNS!

Unscramble an egg?! Hahahahaha!!! How funny is that ominous music?

Oh no...it's the union bosses barging into my clothing company to turn the lights off for no reason!!

Joanna Newsom

2007-10-05T13:34:00.001-07:00

Who I'd Like To Meet: Crows with berries.

Joanna Newsom's album Ys is so fucking excellent that it banishes ghosts. It's a shard of some other sublime dimension that grew too large and pierced into our's.

Faircut

2007-10-05T13:27:00.000-07:00

I got a new ~~apartment~~ haircut babay! It protects me from the whistlin street!

it only cost $38NO WAY!!!

Also...
Consider yourself pointed at!

I told the chick to make me look masculine, what do you think, mission accomplished?

Rent

2007-10-05T13:24:00.001-07:00

Last night's dream:

I was being driven through what was supposed to be Perth with a girl from school. It looked much cooler than Perth, because of the twisting streets. This dream Perth was more vertically interesting, with things on different levels and elevated parks on roundabouts! Happ-nin!

We were going to her house to work on our assignment, but the girl like the city were not in any way similar to the real deal. For one thing this dream girl was apparently rich. As we drove over this wide slanted bridge at sunset it became clear how rich she was (very) but I can't remember how it was communicated. We parked in an area filled with squarish modular kind of buildings, like those terracotta ones you see that are all flat walls and archways. They towered over us several stories high and I could feel the energy and the memory of a summer night on my face. We walked through a restaurant district and quite a few of the restaurants actually were the same pizza company. Martin's Pizza. I think in fact they were all Martin's Pizzas! Grace (my dream girl) told me she lived here and pointed to a small victorian looking house. She explained that it too was owned by Martin's Pizza (he had his logo above the door) and it was cheaper to live here because of it.

"How much do you pay?" I say
"It's one sixty a week for rent and spider."
"cool."

Grace opens the door to her single room house with its impractically high ceilings and yellow walls. "Nice place," I say and looked around while Grace was doing something in the kitchen. Fireplace, couch, large spider hanging on its web over near the TV.

"and there's the spider." I say. The end.

I was actually going to start a blog a few months back to record my dreams, because I have awesome dreams and your's suck. Maybe I'll make the dreams a regular part of the blog because to be quite honest, I've nearly run out of OCD Techniques! The few I have left are too difficult to explain clearly. Anyway, what do you guys think, are you interested in dreams? I'll see what I can do about contacting a professional dream interpreter to tell us all exactly what's wrong with me, that could make it interesting! Thoughts?!

Spongelina Jolie

2007-10-05T13:21:00.002-07:00

Who's that little storm in a teacup!? Why it's Spongelina, the one and only!

The Back Attack - Part 3

2007-10-05T13:21:00.001-07:00

I'm cured!

After doing the exercises he told me to do, my rotator cuff muscles are bulked up and turning heads! How fantastic is healing, reminds you of the sweetness of being, it's almost worth getting a bit sick just so you can get well again. I imagine it's similar to the satisfaction of gardening, because it's natural and you have to wait for it. I don't do gardening as the chances of encountering a bug are astronomical. No thanks! I'll only garden in the soil of some wasted barren planet.

So, my spine is lined up and the energy should flow through me better. All that Chinese Qi stuff comin-atcha! Werrrrrrrrrrd.

The Back Attack - Part 2

2007-10-05T13:18:00.001-07:00

I had my follow up visit with the chiropractor this morning and it couldn't have come soon enough! I like him, though to be honest when I first saw him, I worried he was gonna be crap, he had a big round head and looked very meefy. Like any hypochondriac worth his salt I'm picky about my healthcare providers, it's hard to convince me that you know more than I do about how sick I am and god help you if you try to tell me that there's nothing wrong.

Chiropractors in particular are difficult, after all, who could compare to my first chiro Peter Mcglynn, former member of seminal rock group The Cockroaches! Now that's credentials!

As we delved deeper into the labyrinth of problems that is my spine, we uncovered more horrors and mockeries of health. In addition to my rotator cuff muscles being atrophied, my skull is apparenly squishing down onto my C1 vertebrae and my lower body proprioception is not good enough. That was a nice touch, I think he's won me over with that little trick! The current problem though is my Levator Scapula (pictured)

Sadly, I won't be seeing him again until next Monday, I do feel better though, but that could be more to do with my new lover....

The Back Attack - Part 1

2007-10-05T13:15:00.001-07:00

Living in normal society is weird, there's all these things you can't talk about. Like rashes, diseases, psychological problems, halucinations, sexual fantasies. But these are the most interesting topics! How amazing would it be if people talked about this shit on the bus? Remember all those boring conversations you had with your co-workers about their patio furniture or their family? Imagine if they were talking about their suicide fantasy or their paranoid delusions!

That's what it's like talking to me. Recently I was on PEP drugs and they gave me a rash, which actually moved up my chest onto my face. It didn't spread, it moved! That's pretty interesting, right? My skin was flaking off, like I was more dust than man. While my face was rashing off, assessments were going on at uni. I was sitting next to a girl from my course, waiting to go into an exam, and rubbed my face, the skin flakes brushed off. "God, I've got this rash!" I said to Chanel, "my skin keeps flaking off!" She quietly slipped away.

Admittedly people called Chanel aren't the best audience but I don't care. I can't hide my passion! My passion for explaining my disease experience! If you think about it, getting sick is like a little death rehearsal. It's a practice death. Surviving that is interesting enough, mix in the fascinating nature of diseases and you're talking my language! I get especially excited about STDs, when I come down with the gonorrhoea (sic) I've just gotta tell someone! Most STDs are quite funny, crabs is hands down the funniest disease you can catch.

This brings us to today's story. We took a coffee break from studying Preventive Dentistry 136 and I went upstairs to the drinking fountain. As I leaned over to sup at the water, there was a pain in my Pectoralis Major (pictured).

Weird. When I stand up, there's a tight aching in some non-famous muscle above my right shoulder blade. It continued to get worse and in the space of about 10 minutes, I'd been immobilized from the neck up, and I realised that I was dealing with an acute back spasm. Ouch ouch ouch! I managed to do a covert internet search while Dr. Yates talked about teaching techniques for oral health education. A Phonecall and a sequence of painful transperth trips later and I'm in the Heights Medical Centre, receiving chiropractic care! Ohhhh, sweet bliss. The thrill of medical attention!

I love it if I learn a new medical term, and if I get one off a doctor, I consider the visit to be successful. In the past I've learned:
-sub-clinical infection
-posterior chain(!!!!) (of lymph nodes)
and today: Thoracic Outlet Syndrome. He did a LOT of massaging on my shoulder region and it was quite painful but it got me loose, I can move my head a bit again. Then the spine cracking started. That's always a bit spooky, how the hell do they learn this stuff? I can't even do a competent perio probe on a dummy, do they let these students just crack people's backs all day?

So, apparently a few of my rotator cuff muscles are atrophied...how embarassing!

Lovestory: A Tale of Emotional Eating

2007-10-05T12:57:00.000-07:00

OCD Techniqe 5 - Reduction by Addition

2007-10-05T12:54:00.000-07:00

There are many people out there who believe that to live is to suffer and all people must toil fruitlessly and dour under the piercing, deadly rays of the sun until such time that their bodies break and their soul bitter and ruined, slips from its cage and into a morbid eternity. These are the kinds of people who have jobs in offices and who see numbers as mere markings that denote a value of some kind. They have it all wrong.

I can see how they'd get that impression though. Most numbers are pretty depressing like how much money you don't have in your bank account or the number of years left on your unjust prison sentence. But I will show you a way to enjoy numbers because at OCDaily, we put the fun in Numb(fun)ers!™

Reduction by Addition
Take any multi-digit number for example: 8697. The goal here is to condense that down to a single number by adding them together in sequence. Likea this:
8+6 = 14
14+9 = 23
23+7 = 30 (end of cycle 1)
3+0 = 3
Therefore 8697 = 3

The longer the number the more cycles you have to go through, to get to that single number...I'm sure that there is a limit here, if your source number is too long it may never be able to be compressed to a single unit. But I'm no mathematician. Anyway, I hope this helps you look at numbers in a different way.

Numbers are imbued with an ancient spiritual power. Rid your mind of the idea that you're looking at a bus route or a telephone number. What you see lined up on the screen or the page are actually representatives of the structure of the universe itself translated to a human language. I urge you, Internet Reader to use them in interesting ways.