All aboard the depression express!
I seem to have this sickness where I periodically pick over the bones of my past as if inviting depression's ghostly hug. I am obsessive about my past, and the enormous piles of mistakes and pain it contains.
When I lived in Melbourne, I was in love with a man who destroyed me. I was swallowed into his social circle and to be honest I was out of my league, these were highly educated people skimming across the top of everything in their speedboat minds, dragging me behind, thrashing and mauled by the waves they made.
Add my unattractive clingy behaviour into the mix and its a recipe for getting yo' ass dumped. He went off to New York City, a place so distant and steeped in legend it may as well be Camelot. It was as if he was ascending into the clouds, the flame from his jetpack scorching me in the face. And so I was alone...
The people in his circle kept me around for a while, I think more out of pity than anything, though at the time I genuinely thought they were interested in me...I was "adopted" by 2 of the coolest people in Melbourne and I transformed into this hanger on of a hipster pack. My social time was divided between the hipster clique who I felt were operating on some completely different level, finding a hollow humour in an ironic appreciation of life and the other group who were then the age I am now, drunk on fresh fumes of careers and wanted to talk about wine. Picture a dinner party where everyone is discussing Turkish poetry and being very sophisticated...thats me...silently staring from face to face completely unable to contribute, on the outside of the curve created by their backs.
Eventually I made some friends of my own, and picked up enough of myself that I was able to hot-glue-gun back into some semblance of a personality. But I can't shake this feeling I'm still the hick at the ball...that their lives have formed them more completely and their level of understanding things, their skills and education open doors of success much higher than I'll ever reach. I read their blogs from time to time and feel as if I'm watching stuff seep in from a parallel universe.
Sadness is curling in all round me, I'm about to get depressed...start the countdown. I want to burrow into the earth and stay there.
2 comments:
Kitt – that’s quite a beautifully written post. Full of juicy imagery and everything. (“the flame from his jetpack scorching me in the face”)
You doubt yourself too much. Stop thinking about other people as being on a higher level, because they’re not. It’s just perception. Who really wants to discuss Turkish poetry anyway?
(Apologies if you really like Turkish poetry)
Btw, it was good to see ya in Perth
Hey Andrew!
Yeah it was good seeing you too, though I still don't know why you would visit Perth of all places. Are you a weirdo or something?!?
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